The Man in the Tan Suit

No longer is the man in the empty chair to be feared. A new villain has arisen from the dark depths of the metropolis known as Washington.

The man in the tan suit has risen to power. He has conquered golf course after golf course putting wannabe heroes like Rory McIlroy and Chris Kirk into the everlasting sandpits of Sarlacc. He rules his white fortress with a tie of gray choking off any dissenters who disagree with his masterful plan!

His golden ring allows him direct communication with his utmost dastardly division of destruction headed by his most faithful servant the Screaming Easing! Any who stand in their way are sent into the waste bin of automobile manufacturing, the crumbling, hollowed out city of Detroit.

Nothing can stand in the way of the Man in the Tan Suit and his most fearsome partner the Screaming Easing.

This has been a Doom and Gloom Media update.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Masters of the Deep Return!

They have been lurking in the deep, biding their time, just waiting for the opportune moment to strike. And the time is almost at hand.

They have begun scouting missions closer to the surface, gathering intelligence on these creatures who attempt to tame both land and sea. Soon those who believe to have master of their domain will be taught a lesson in finality. Their pleasurable strolls through the fine sand, their weak attempts at fortification, and their nonchalant splashing will become haunted visions of death and despair.

Their fortifications will run red with the blood, the fine sand will turn fleshy as leftover fat mixes in, and the sounds of splashing will be silenced by the roars of the true masters of the deep.

The sharks have returned to reclaim what is rightfully theirs and you will be their first victim.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Especially hammerhead sharks!

Walk, Don't Run

Runners and running culture are a blight upon the face of the Earth. Do not let running destroy your life as it has destroyed so many others before.

The Most Important Election Ever!!

Remember, Remember the fifth of November!

November fifth has come and gone and with it election day in the United States. The after shocks of the election are already being felt with mourners dressed in the finest blacks piling up in the streets in droves. Their sobs can be heard thousands of miles away crying out in emotional pain over the loss of their dear candidates. Some of the more fervent supporters have seen the true gloom and lost all hope. They have warmly embraced Doom and Gloom by lighting themselves on fire to protest their tragic loss.

Those not completely destroyed both physically and emotionally by this latest election will have to survive another year where their end will finally come. Eventually there will only be one left to rule them all. All being what is left of the world after the horrendous elections take their toll on the surviving animals of Planet Earth.

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor! The Elections are yours to lose!

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Asteroid Armageddon

The great and world-saving body of the United Nations has spawned forth the International Asteroid Warning Group (IAWG). The supreme intellects at the UN have devised a 3 step plan to prevent the destruction of the planet!

First they intend to get the world prepared because as Rusty Schweickar, member of the Association of Space Explorers (ASE), explained "No government in the world today has explicitly assigned the responsibility for planetary protection to any of its agencies." Thus the United Nations is prepared to do this for all governments of the world!

The second bright idea the folks at the United Nations have thought up is actually finding the asteroids before they come crashing to Earth sending us all into oblivion! In order to discover the asteroids the International Asteroid Warning Group comes equipped with the Sentinel Space Telescope.

The asteroid-locating telescope comes courtesy of former NASA astronaut and founder of the B612 Foundation Ed Lu. In order to sell his giant telescope Lu ramped up the fear, pontificating, "There are 100 times more asteroids out there than we have found...there are about one million asteroids large enough to destroy New York City or larger."

Now what is a telescope finding the asteroids going to do about saving the planet from the pebbles of the Gods? Enter Part 3 of the magnificent Save Humanity from the Asteroids Plan! The IAWG will inform the U.N. Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space know humanity is about to go the way of the T-Rex. The committee's goal will be to attempt to coordinate international intervention to prevent all out destruction.

We here at Doom and Gloom wish the dutifully astute idiots at the United Nations good luck with preventing Asteroid Armageddon. What little hope there is will rest with the Texas deep core drillers led by Harry Stamper.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!!

Death Star: The Beginning

The crafty minds of the Japanese have been perfecting a prototype space cannon to begin harvesting rare resources from asteroids. The mini asteroid pulverizer will fire its payload at two kilometers per second at a range of 100 meters. The cannon will be part of the Hayabusa 2 spacecraft which is scheduled to launch in December 2014.

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) hopes the satellite canon will reach its target destination by the summer of 2018, and return its journey to Earth in 2019 after it has completely harvested all essential materials from the asteroid labelled 1999 JU3.

Asteroids will not be the only target of this new super space weapon. Countries will begin heavily investing in this technology weaponizing their satellites in order to destroy their enemies communications and information networks. An all out arms race will develop with the technology becoming more and more powerful. Until the ultimate technological terror is born, the Death Star.

Witness the Beginning of the End. No one will be safe.

A Doom and Gloom Hero

There are many so-called heroes that oppose Doom and Gloom and these reputed champions were given immortality by fools like Herodotus, Homer and Virgil. Heroes such as Aeneid and Achilles vanquished many true believers and fighters for the cause of Doom and Gloom whose names were lost to oblivion. They were wiped from the histories never to even be thought of until the End finally comes.

Fortunately, the United States Government rises to the occasion to commemorate and immortalize a true champion of Doom and Gloom. On October 14th of every year, Christoper Columbus, the Ravager of Savages, is celebrated in all his unholy glory. Federal workers are given the day off so they can make their blessings and pilgrimages in his honor. Columbus deserves his accolades as he was able to destroy, conquer and wipe out entire indigenous populations just by arriving on their shores.

Columbus never even thought about lifting a weapon, for he knew he was the harbinger of disease. Christopher Columbus, brought Doom and Gloom to hundreds of thousands and earned his immortality as one of the greatest men in the history of the United States.