Biblical Plague Comes to United Kingdom!!

Do you live on that famed island off the western coast of Europe?  Have you been enjoying the beautiful summer, gone dog waking, or even barbecuing some burgers?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in grave, grave danger.

British wasps are targeting you!  They have completed their job for their Queen and are now carousing the streets of fair London, the beaches of Brighton, and even in some cases invading the homes of students in Hyde Park!  These once docile insects have been sucking down the forbidden fermented fruits getting pissed.  And everyone knows how the Brits love to get zonked just imagine how much the wasps love it!

These insane, rat arsed wasps are also well armed giving them a supreme advantage over their unwitting targets.  All humans within sight are being injected by their dangerous and diabolical stingers.  The only defense is Mother Nature bringing about a cold snap exterminating them in one fell swoop.  This will never happen as humans have triggered endless global warming creating a paradise for the bladdered wasps!

The Shame Wars

Slut-Shaming is good! No its bad! Virgin-shaming is good! No that one is worse! Shaming in general is bad! Wait what am I saying?  What are we talking about?!?  Oh that's right the End is Nigh and all the sluts and virgins are going to die a painful and gruesome death just like the rest of humanity on this planet!

How will this inevitability come about?  Obviously a catastrophic war between the sluts and virgins!  The first attacks have already been launched and both sides are preparing for a full-scale invasion.  The virgins after lobbing their grenades have attempted to bunker down behind shields of glowing white purity, while the sluts are gearing up with foam fingers of paradise part of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke's new designer line.

The chaos will be immeasurable and nothing will be left but the discarded remnants of a ruined planet!

Running with the Bulls? More like Culling the Fools!

El encierro has arrived state-side!  That's correct the running of the bulls usually found in the Spanish city of Pamplona and popularized in Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, has managed to cross the Atlantic. The event will be held across the country on various dates from October to December to May completely forgoing and destroying the celebration of San Fermin which typically occurs between July 7th and 14th.

Forsaking the city's first bishop is the lesser of the crimes committed by the foul organizers of the event. The real crime involves their attempt to decimate the human population by marketing the event as fun and thrilling! They use the slogan Grab Life by the Horns, but the only life grabbed by the horns will be the one being slowly drained as a 1,000 lb bull spears you with his horn slowly letting life drip off his horns as he looks for his next willing victim.

If this event is allowed to continue and prosper the human race will face dire consequences!  The masterminds behind the event will reveal themselves and the supposed fictional race of the Minotaurs will rise up from the labyrinths in which they have been imprisoned to reign chaos and death upon those left surviving.

BunyonCare

The Minnesota government has gone insane!!  They are slandering the man, the myth, the legend Paul Bunyon and his trusty friend Babe the Blue Ox.  These cretins also known as bureaucrats are dressing up the rugged and healthy Paul Bunyon in bandages and putting his leg in a cast!  This is an absolute outrage!! Next these fools will be having Bunyon swinging his axe and hitting himself in order for them to get Minnesotans to register for the Obamacare health exchanges!

Unfortunately for the Minnesota bureaucrats and their $9 million ad buy, slandering Mr. Bunyon and Babe will have enormous consequences.  The man who created the Great Lakes so Babe would have a place to drink can just as easily fill them back in with his extraordinary lumbering skills.  Bunyon is an expert with his axe and not only chopping wood.  Whispers tell of his legendary prowess at chopping down the British, not to mention he has a 4700 lb giant ox for a friend that when whipped into a frenzy could flatten the Twin Cities in one charge.

Minnesotans better watch out because they have awoken the wrath of a sleeping giant!

End of the Weiner World

Anthony Weiner has done it! He has doomed humanity to its last generation. His amazing talent at seducing and luring women has created crazed females stopping nothing to get their hands on him.  The last time madness like this erupted anywhere on the planet was seen at a Justin Bieber concert.

Weiner has fomented so much hysteria; the streets of New York are erupting with women in their search to locate him.  All of those women you see running through the streets in wedding gowns are pursuing the god-like, Anthony Weiner. No other man can even measure up to Weiner’s success.

Birth rate levels will soon plummet even lower than they already are as women will no longer pursue any man, but Anthony Weiner. He has locked up victory in the pursuit of women and his mayoral race, but he has doomed mankind to oblivion.

Doom and Gloom on Film: Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Nazi scientists, perverted generals, and nuclear holocaust! It’s the most gripping trifecta one could hope for in a film. And thanks to American mass consumerism it can now be yours! Get the Dr. Strangleove DVD, or the Dr. Strangelove Special Edition, get it on Blu-ray, record it with TiVo, rent it on iTunes, Amazon, or just commit a mortal sin and download it.

It’s the story of man whose unselfish concern for the natural bodily fluids of his countrymen leads him on a momentous fight to destroy the Soviet Union. Don’t worry, it might take a while for most people to accept 150 million American deaths in the process but the President and his generals are quickly persuaded by the always lovable Dr. Strangelove. America is, after all, the land of second chances, the great melting pot, so it is perfectly normal that a Nazi scientist makes such decisions right?

And so finally the United States is made anew, a country of polygamist mineshaft dwellers, free to fornicate their way back to the current Gross National Product!

Dr. Strangelove is a great movie to watch with the family on Independence Day. Watching it is a celebration of the American Spirit and our bold willingness to go forth into the unknown!

The Spice Between Your Ears

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, another threat has emerged from the most unlikely of places, the shadowy depths of America's spice cabinets. Teenagers across the country are swallowing cinnamon with such wild abandon that it is causing asphyxiation and lung scarring. With dozens of self-destructive teens already requiring medical care from this fad, it appears all but certain that this poisonous bark will soon replace arsenic and cyanide as the toxin of choice for malicious miscreants and maladjusted misanthropes.

Cinnamon is already ubiquitous in our culture, worming its wretched way into everything from oatmeal cookies to coffee to the fabled churros found south of the border. With so potent a toxin surrounding us on all sides, how long will it be before we are all destroyed by its exquisite, irresistible flavor?