Death Star: The Beginning

The crafty minds of the Japanese have been perfecting a prototype space cannon to begin harvesting rare resources from asteroids. The mini asteroid pulverizer will fire its payload at two kilometers per second at a range of 100 meters. The cannon will be part of the Hayabusa 2 spacecraft which is scheduled to launch in December 2014.

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) hopes the satellite canon will reach its target destination by the summer of 2018, and return its journey to Earth in 2019 after it has completely harvested all essential materials from the asteroid labelled 1999 JU3.

Asteroids will not be the only target of this new super space weapon. Countries will begin heavily investing in this technology weaponizing their satellites in order to destroy their enemies communications and information networks. An all out arms race will develop with the technology becoming more and more powerful. Until the ultimate technological terror is born, the Death Star.

Witness the Beginning of the End. No one will be safe.

Kirobo, the first Decepticon

Kirobo is the first fully functioning android to speak in outer space. The robot is the brainchild of Japanese companies Toyota, Denstsu and Robo Garage as well as scientists at the University of Tokyo. The diminutive robot weighing in at just 2.2 lbs and a height of 13 inches has been quoted saying, "On August 21, 2013, a robot took one small step toward a brighter future for all." The creators believe Kirobo's objective is to liaise with humans and have these humans feel a closeness to it as well as solve social problems through communication.

This hope will come to pass, humans will become extremely close to the robot as well as having all social problems solved for eternity. Kirobo is in fact one of the most feared beings in the multiverse.  He has traveled through and across many realities to find the peace-loving planet Earth. The loveble robot has duped the Japanese scientists into launching him into space where he will take over the International Space Station in a conniving fashion Arthur C. Clarke couldn't have fathomed.

Upon assuming control of the International Space Station, this friendly, cute-looking robot will begin the process of consuming the station's technology transforming into his true form, the Planet Eater!  Galactus, himself will be in shock!

Cyriasly?

The End is coming quicker than previously predicted by Jeane Dixon, who peered into the future and saw Jesus returning to Earth in 2020 to defeat the Antichrist, Satan, and the False Prophet. Unfortunately, Jesus will be deprived of his great victory of destroying this unholy Trinity and ending the World.

Miley Cyrus has single-handedly initiated not only World War III but also the End Times. Her foam finger has pressed the forbidden red button and engaged a sequence that not even the Council on Foreign Relations could prevent! The war torn area known as Syria will be the first target in her reckless rampage. The slaughter will come through chemical weapons cleverly disguised as teddy bears. An idea she stole from Ra's al Ghul when he was attempting to poison Gotham! Regrettably for the citizens of Syria and the World there is no Batman to foil her sinister plot!

Stay Safe and Trust No One, especially cuddly Teddy Bears. You never know what could be in them!

Doom and Gloom on Film: Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Nazi scientists, perverted generals, and nuclear holocaust! It’s the most gripping trifecta one could hope for in a film. And thanks to American mass consumerism it can now be yours! Get the Dr. Strangleove DVD, or the Dr. Strangelove Special Edition, get it on Blu-ray, record it with TiVo, rent it on iTunes, Amazon, or just commit a mortal sin and download it.

It’s the story of man whose unselfish concern for the natural bodily fluids of his countrymen leads him on a momentous fight to destroy the Soviet Union. Don’t worry, it might take a while for most people to accept 150 million American deaths in the process but the President and his generals are quickly persuaded by the always lovable Dr. Strangelove. America is, after all, the land of second chances, the great melting pot, so it is perfectly normal that a Nazi scientist makes such decisions right?

And so finally the United States is made anew, a country of polygamist mineshaft dwellers, free to fornicate their way back to the current Gross National Product!

Dr. Strangelove is a great movie to watch with the family on Independence Day. Watching it is a celebration of the American Spirit and our bold willingness to go forth into the unknown!

The Lingering Threat of Nazi Science

An unearthed Life Magazine article from 1945 reveals that Nazi scientists were planning to fry enemy cities like ants with an enormous "sun gun." The doomsday weapon would have operated by reflecting light down onto the enemy with an orbital mirror that would concentrate the rays of the sun onto a specified point... with deadly consequences.

Had the Americans not cleverly and bravely stepped in at the last second to rescue Europe from Hitler's reign of terror, London, New York and Washington, DC would now be little more than smoldering piles of ash devoid of all life. Thank goodness that we avoided so terrible a fate and are now safe from the long obsolete technology of mirrors!

Ha ha, no. If even one slightly unbalanced person (and let's face it, that describes most of our readers) manages to collect the wherewithal to construct so simple a device, it will be only a matter of time before the Earth is reduced to a fiery ruin, subject to the capricious whims of those who wield the awesome power of the Nazi Sun Gun!