Masters of the Deep Return!

They have been lurking in the deep, biding their time, just waiting for the opportune moment to strike. And the time is almost at hand.

They have begun scouting missions closer to the surface, gathering intelligence on these creatures who attempt to tame both land and sea. Soon those who believe to have master of their domain will be taught a lesson in finality. Their pleasurable strolls through the fine sand, their weak attempts at fortification, and their nonchalant splashing will become haunted visions of death and despair.

Their fortifications will run red with the blood, the fine sand will turn fleshy as leftover fat mixes in, and the sounds of splashing will be silenced by the roars of the true masters of the deep.

The sharks have returned to reclaim what is rightfully theirs and you will be their first victim.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Especially hammerhead sharks!

Swiss Monster Terrorizes Town

The ghostly and fleeting creature known as 'Le Loyon' to locals has been captured on camera and the above photo was published on the Swiss news website Le Matin. Le Loyon has been scaring the locals around the town of Maules. Marianne Descloux, a resident of the town, describes the creature having "a cap, dark cloak and gas mask."

The monstrosity has marked his territory in the forest around Maules much like Big Foot has claimed Jack Link's Beef Jerky and the Abominable Snowman claimed the Island of Misfit Toys.

The forest use to be a place where families would go frolicking about enjoying their time, but now the place has become tainted with fear. Le Loyon has awakened from a deep slumber and he does not treat trespassers kindly.

He has stared down a mother with her children until they fled  maniacally screaming their little heads off. The photographer reported he stared into the very depths of his soul hungrily searching for anything to consume, upon finding absolute emptiness he pivoted and returned to the depths of the forest.

The terror of the town of Maules has begun.

Running with the Bulls? More like Culling the Fools!

El encierro has arrived state-side!  That's correct the running of the bulls usually found in the Spanish city of Pamplona and popularized in Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, has managed to cross the Atlantic. The event will be held across the country on various dates from October to December to May completely forgoing and destroying the celebration of San Fermin which typically occurs between July 7th and 14th.

Forsaking the city's first bishop is the lesser of the crimes committed by the foul organizers of the event. The real crime involves their attempt to decimate the human population by marketing the event as fun and thrilling! They use the slogan Grab Life by the Horns, but the only life grabbed by the horns will be the one being slowly drained as a 1,000 lb bull spears you with his horn slowly letting life drip off his horns as he looks for his next willing victim.

If this event is allowed to continue and prosper the human race will face dire consequences!  The masterminds behind the event will reveal themselves and the supposed fictional race of the Minotaurs will rise up from the labyrinths in which they have been imprisoned to reign chaos and death upon those left surviving.

Kaiju Invasion

Archaeologists are at it again, but this time they are conducting research in the depths of the Gulf of Mexico. Researchers from Texas State University in San Marcos and Texas A&M Galveston have stumbled upon three shipwrecks dating from the early 19th century.  These so-called scientists believe the wrecks were caused by a giant storm.  This is an unlikely story as everyone knows global warming was not occurring then and thus there were no massive storms able to destroy these hardy ships.  One measuring 84 feet long and 26 feet wide.

A more likely explanation of these devastating attacks is from the Kaiju, creatures which share a dimensional portal with our world.  These massive reptilian creatures would have crushed the ships with one punch of their gargantuan hands or a deadly swipe with their lethal tails.  Fortunately, these were probably the only victims of the Kaiju attack at the time since our world was not yet ready for the taking.  Given recent calculations we will soon be inundated by these creatures, if only industrialization had not taken place we could have prevented this invasion of our beloved world and our untimely demise. Supposing we had giant robots to defeat these abominable creatures we could be saved!

The Doom That Creeps

Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say, which is unfortunate when it comes to things that can kill you.  One Houston neighborhood has been invaded by giant African land snails, a scary enough prospect even for those who want to keep a well-maintained garden.

But the devouring of garden herbs and vegetables is far from the most worrying aspect of these enormous cephalopods, Scientists have warned that the snails carry meningitis as well as other deadly parasites. That's right, these snails can kill. Indeed, they will kill, and without the slightest provocation.

Lock up your children (especially your slow-moving, dim-witted children) for few will be able to resist the deadly siren song of the giant snail, who once he ensnares you in his sticky, seductive mucus, will never let go until it is too late. These snails can lay up to 100 eggs a week, so by my calculations we have about three months before the whole country is overrun with them. We're gonna need a bigger salt shaker.

Sea Monsters Rising from the Deep

The corpse of a mysterious sea monster was found washed up on a beach in New Zealand last week, in what is doubtless an unfortunate casualty from the front lines of an invading aquatic force. Sailors have known of the existence of these creatures for thousands of years, but their tales have traditionally been dismissed as the fanciful notions of an isolated and lonely mind. Only now is modern science beginning to recognize the submarine horrors for what they really are.

The ocean remains a vast, unexplored jungle filled with God only knows what creatures left behind in the dark primordial past before man ever emerged from his swampy beginnings. For unnumbered millennia, they have lurked in the bottomless pit of the seabed, lurking in the darkness... and waiting.

Now at last, their moment may be at hand. If they at last have decided that their time has come, there will be but little chance for us poor, land-dwellers as we are subsumed and overcome by the watery armies of the deep. Fear the sea, my friends, and seek higher ground. Although like the Atlanteans before you, your respite there will be only temporary. In the end, the world is doomed to drown.

De-extinction Devastation

Monsters from the furthest reaches of antiquity threaten to reemerge as the greatest danger ever faced by man!

Bats Out of Hell

Scientists have discovered that bats are major carriers of viruses such as those that cause Hepatitis C and other serious diseases. Is there no limit to the horror wrought by these unclean abominations? The reputation of these disease-ridden creatures was already bad enough, in as much as they are basically rats with wings. Famous for becoming tangled in women's hair, and transforming into vampires in order to suck the rich, juicy blood of mortals, this latest piece of bad PR is only the tip of the iceberg for the children of the night.

Like so many of the creepy, crawly critters skulking around in the dark, bats are just another sign of the inherent wickedness and cruelty of nature, as she stretches forth her remorseless hand to inflict suffering on mankind for no real reason other than pure spitefulness. The only thing we can do to protect our miserable lives is to avoid caves and stock up on plenty of garlic.

Get Behind Me, Cicadas!

Record numbers of cicadas are descending up the New York tri-state area, in waves reminiscent of the Biblical plagues of Egypt. It has been seventeen years since these droning pests last invaded our peaceful farms and villages, and never before in such force. Of course, apart from the agricultural ravages of their terrible jaws, the hideous cacophony of their mating calls drowns out all other noise.

No more will children be able to enjoy the lilting syncopations of the ice cream truck, nor the pleasant strains of birdsong in spring, nor even the simple joy of intellectual discourse. Whereas once the air was filled with impassioned discussions of the works of James Joyce and Marcel Proust, now all is subsumed under the deafening clicking of the dire insects.

Cicadas are a scourge upon the planet and should be driven forcefully back to whatever infernal pit they first emanated from. Everybody grab a pitchfork and a can of Raid.

Arachnophobia

A brand new species of tarantula has just been discovered, Poecilotheria rajaei.  This giant spider is the size of a human face and makes its home in old buildings in Sri Lanka.

Scientists studying this terrifying beast say it's poison is non-lethal to humans, but are these scientists to be trusted?  Do you want to risk a painful and slow death by this new and extremely elusive species?

The terrifying size of this new beast is a threat not to be taken likely.  If they are allowed to multiply and continue feasting on mice and lizards, they could grow to unthinkable sizes.  They would not even need poison to kill their prey, but would need one bite to consume it whole.  The fears of Aragog and Shelob should be bright in our minds.