Biblical Plague Comes to United Kingdom!!

Do you live on that famed island off the western coast of Europe?  Have you been enjoying the beautiful summer, gone dog waking, or even barbecuing some burgers?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in grave, grave danger.

British wasps are targeting you!  They have completed their job for their Queen and are now carousing the streets of fair London, the beaches of Brighton, and even in some cases invading the homes of students in Hyde Park!  These once docile insects have been sucking down the forbidden fermented fruits getting pissed.  And everyone knows how the Brits love to get zonked just imagine how much the wasps love it!

These insane, rat arsed wasps are also well armed giving them a supreme advantage over their unwitting targets.  All humans within sight are being injected by their dangerous and diabolical stingers.  The only defense is Mother Nature bringing about a cold snap exterminating them in one fell swoop.  This will never happen as humans have triggered endless global warming creating a paradise for the bladdered wasps!

The Doom That Creeps

Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say, which is unfortunate when it comes to things that can kill you.  One Houston neighborhood has been invaded by giant African land snails, a scary enough prospect even for those who want to keep a well-maintained garden.

But the devouring of garden herbs and vegetables is far from the most worrying aspect of these enormous cephalopods, Scientists have warned that the snails carry meningitis as well as other deadly parasites. That's right, these snails can kill. Indeed, they will kill, and without the slightest provocation.

Lock up your children (especially your slow-moving, dim-witted children) for few will be able to resist the deadly siren song of the giant snail, who once he ensnares you in his sticky, seductive mucus, will never let go until it is too late. These snails can lay up to 100 eggs a week, so by my calculations we have about three months before the whole country is overrun with them. We're gonna need a bigger salt shaker.

Bats Out of Hell

Scientists have discovered that bats are major carriers of viruses such as those that cause Hepatitis C and other serious diseases. Is there no limit to the horror wrought by these unclean abominations? The reputation of these disease-ridden creatures was already bad enough, in as much as they are basically rats with wings. Famous for becoming tangled in women's hair, and transforming into vampires in order to suck the rich, juicy blood of mortals, this latest piece of bad PR is only the tip of the iceberg for the children of the night.

Like so many of the creepy, crawly critters skulking around in the dark, bats are just another sign of the inherent wickedness and cruelty of nature, as she stretches forth her remorseless hand to inflict suffering on mankind for no real reason other than pure spitefulness. The only thing we can do to protect our miserable lives is to avoid caves and stock up on plenty of garlic.

Before Him goes pestilence, And plague comes after Him. (Habakkuk 3:5)

Prophet of doom Ross Pomeroy has helpfully pointed out that there is no escape from the debilitating and ultimately fatal ravages of cancer. In his latest article, he enumerates the causes of this horrible, horrible inevitability. Here is a partial list to delight and terrify you.

Facebook
Wine
Catching a cold
Antiperspirants
French Fries
Oral Sex
Vitamin E Supplements
Red Food Dyes
Salty Soup
Hair Dyes
Mouthwash
Sun Tan Lotions
Pringles
X-rays
Moisturizers
Cell Phones
Talcum Powder
Red Meat
Alcoholic Beverages
Asbestos
Smoked Salmon
The Sun
Tobacco Products
Chloroform
Formaldehyde
Bubble Tea Tapioca Pearls
Microwave Popcorn Bags
Baby Shampoo
Sugar
Salt
Eggs
Corn
Coffee
Cheese
Butter
Bread
Bacon
Grapefruit
Vegetable Oils
Being Fat
Coca-Cola & Pepsi
Hot Dogs
Taking a Trip to Cancun
Stress
Male Hair-Loss Pills
Anal Sex
Buses
Artificial Sweeteners
Cholesterol-lowering Drugs
Bras
Household Cleaning Products
Air Fresheners
Aspirin
Chicken Meat
Health Supplements
Airport Scanners
Milk
Microwave Ovens
Fluoridated Water
Burnt Toast
Brushing your teeth poorly
Marijuana
Modern Life

You may now shut yourselves fearfully inside your flimsily constructed homes if you so wish, but it will make little difference, for escape is impossible.