The Doom That Creeps

Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say, which is unfortunate when it comes to things that can kill you.  One Houston neighborhood has been invaded by giant African land snails, a scary enough prospect even for those who want to keep a well-maintained garden.

But the devouring of garden herbs and vegetables is far from the most worrying aspect of these enormous cephalopods, Scientists have warned that the snails carry meningitis as well as other deadly parasites. That's right, these snails can kill. Indeed, they will kill, and without the slightest provocation.

Lock up your children (especially your slow-moving, dim-witted children) for few will be able to resist the deadly siren song of the giant snail, who once he ensnares you in his sticky, seductive mucus, will never let go until it is too late. These snails can lay up to 100 eggs a week, so by my calculations we have about three months before the whole country is overrun with them. We're gonna need a bigger salt shaker.

Lost and Found Continents

It turns out sea monsters are not the only thing rising from the deep, as researchers have discovered a lost continent off the coast of Brazil. Could this be the fabled Atlantis that famously sank into the sea as a result of the self-indulgent excesses of its arrogant population? Almost certainly.

Who knows what ancient relics we may come across in our explorations? Idols to terrible heathen gods, fearsome technology not meant for the hands of man, books of forbidden knowledge, the very sight of which may tear men's minds asunder?

One thing is certain, that the wicked and sinful ways of America will sooner or later doom us to a similar watery fate. Let these explorers tread with caution, lest they unearth the very cause that brought ruin upon the Atlanteans, a ruin which may soon come to us all.

Sea Monsters Rising from the Deep

The corpse of a mysterious sea monster was found washed up on a beach in New Zealand last week, in what is doubtless an unfortunate casualty from the front lines of an invading aquatic force. Sailors have known of the existence of these creatures for thousands of years, but their tales have traditionally been dismissed as the fanciful notions of an isolated and lonely mind. Only now is modern science beginning to recognize the submarine horrors for what they really are.

The ocean remains a vast, unexplored jungle filled with God only knows what creatures left behind in the dark primordial past before man ever emerged from his swampy beginnings. For unnumbered millennia, they have lurked in the bottomless pit of the seabed, lurking in the darkness... and waiting.

Now at last, their moment may be at hand. If they at last have decided that their time has come, there will be but little chance for us poor, land-dwellers as we are subsumed and overcome by the watery armies of the deep. Fear the sea, my friends, and seek higher ground. Although like the Atlanteans before you, your respite there will be only temporary. In the end, the world is doomed to drown.

GMOs? Oh no!

Food is bad. Don't eat food.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Doom!

Deep beneath the Earth's crust lurk many wonders from the ancient world, some great, some terrible, some utterly inscrutable. Archaeology's latest find combines all three in a ruined temple from the ancient Mexican city of Teotihuaca, whose floor was discovered littered with mysterious, gold-colored orbs.

The original purpose of these spherical enigmas is not known, but the tunnels leading out of the temple had been carefully packed with rubble and debris, as though the residents wanted to keep them hidden forever. The ancient Teotihuacans are known to have practiced ritual human sacrifice, so it seems likely that they managed to awaken something dark and terrible, an antediluvian horror that man was never meant to see.

Hollywood has taught us time and again that no good can come from disturbing the relics of the past, especially those that were intentionally hidden from us. Just as the Curse of the Mummy's Tomb claimed so many lives back in the 1930s, so will these orbs doubtless bring furious retribution down upon our meddling heads.