Before Him goes pestilence, And plague comes after Him. (Habakkuk 3:5)

Prophet of doom Ross Pomeroy has helpfully pointed out that there is no escape from the debilitating and ultimately fatal ravages of cancer. In his latest article, he enumerates the causes of this horrible, horrible inevitability. Here is a partial list to delight and terrify you.

Facebook
Wine
Catching a cold
Antiperspirants
French Fries
Oral Sex
Vitamin E Supplements
Red Food Dyes
Salty Soup
Hair Dyes
Mouthwash
Sun Tan Lotions
Pringles
X-rays
Moisturizers
Cell Phones
Talcum Powder
Red Meat
Alcoholic Beverages
Asbestos
Smoked Salmon
The Sun
Tobacco Products
Chloroform
Formaldehyde
Bubble Tea Tapioca Pearls
Microwave Popcorn Bags
Baby Shampoo
Sugar
Salt
Eggs
Corn
Coffee
Cheese
Butter
Bread
Bacon
Grapefruit
Vegetable Oils
Being Fat
Coca-Cola & Pepsi
Hot Dogs
Taking a Trip to Cancun
Stress
Male Hair-Loss Pills
Anal Sex
Buses
Artificial Sweeteners
Cholesterol-lowering Drugs
Bras
Household Cleaning Products
Air Fresheners
Aspirin
Chicken Meat
Health Supplements
Airport Scanners
Milk
Microwave Ovens
Fluoridated Water
Burnt Toast
Brushing your teeth poorly
Marijuana
Modern Life

You may now shut yourselves fearfully inside your flimsily constructed homes if you so wish, but it will make little difference, for escape is impossible.

Get Behind Me, Cicadas!

Record numbers of cicadas are descending up the New York tri-state area, in waves reminiscent of the Biblical plagues of Egypt. It has been seventeen years since these droning pests last invaded our peaceful farms and villages, and never before in such force. Of course, apart from the agricultural ravages of their terrible jaws, the hideous cacophony of their mating calls drowns out all other noise.

No more will children be able to enjoy the lilting syncopations of the ice cream truck, nor the pleasant strains of birdsong in spring, nor even the simple joy of intellectual discourse. Whereas once the air was filled with impassioned discussions of the works of James Joyce and Marcel Proust, now all is subsumed under the deafening clicking of the dire insects.

Cicadas are a scourge upon the planet and should be driven forcefully back to whatever infernal pit they first emanated from. Everybody grab a pitchfork and a can of Raid.

Sinkhole Scourge

Arachnophobia

A brand new species of tarantula has just been discovered, Poecilotheria rajaei.  This giant spider is the size of a human face and makes its home in old buildings in Sri Lanka.

Scientists studying this terrifying beast say it's poison is non-lethal to humans, but are these scientists to be trusted?  Do you want to risk a painful and slow death by this new and extremely elusive species?

The terrifying size of this new beast is a threat not to be taken likely.  If they are allowed to multiply and continue feasting on mice and lizards, they could grow to unthinkable sizes.  They would not even need poison to kill their prey, but would need one bite to consume it whole.  The fears of Aragog and Shelob should be bright in our minds.

Cosmic Horror Awakens

Scientists have just noticed a super-massive black hole in the distant galaxy of NGC 4845 coming to life after a decades-long torpor. And as one would expect after so long a period of dormancy, the devourer of worlds was hungry.

With no perceptible effort, the black hole consumed a planet with a mass equal to that of 14-30 Jupiters in the inky depths of its terrible, sucking maw, pausing only to bombard the hapless world with X-rays, stripping it of its atmosphere in much the same way that a cat toys with a captive mouse.

Its appetite sufficiently whet by the planetary snack, there is little doubt that the galactic monster will continue its reign of terror, seeking mindlessly to slake its horrible thirst until at last, inevitably, it finds us. When that day comes, may God have mercy on our souls, for their can be no escape. Only darkness.

One Ring to Show Them All

The ancient, cursed ring that served as the inspiration for Isildur's Bane of Middle Earth is being removed from the formerly watchful eyes of Britain's National Trust and unwisely put on display for the vulgar, unwashed public.

Tempting fate seems to be a popular exercise for museum curators, who have apparently learned nothing from the whole Mummy fiasco. A cursed ring of power on advertised public display is really just par for the course for these incautious souls.

They might as well put out a "Welcome Nazgul" sign and get it over with.

Pluto's Gate Found

A portal to the Underworld has been unearthed in Turkey, as archeologists announce the rediscovery of Pluto's Gate. The cave is described by the ancient texts of Strabo as containing noxious vapors fatal  to all animal life.

With their foolish meddling, these so-called scientists have brought to light powers which they cannot possibly comprehend and, like Pandora before them, have unleashed terrors untold upon the world and its unhappy inhabitants.

No doubt the legions of Hell will be emerging shortly to ravage and devour us all. Repent, for the end is nigh.