Necromancers in England! Oh My!

Archaeologists are not necromancers, but the university educated team from Leicester is crossing the line in the sand.  They have broken into the hallowed grounds of the Grey Friars monastery in search of King Richard III of England.  They have not found the king, but instead have stumbled onto a tomb no one, but God was supposed to find.  Not only have they found a tomb purportedly a hundred years older than Richard III, but this tomb contains a coffin with another coffin within it. Both coffins are lined with lead.  Do these fools not see this body was sealed within a second layer to keep meddlers, thieves, and especially necromancers out!

Baltus Hafez has found new followers and recreated his cult of Imhotep at Leicester.   It is too late to put a stop to the dark necromantic ritual on the foul and despicable creature that was locked away.  Our only hope lies with Rick O’Connell and Ardeth Bay.  Otherwise this could just be the beginning of all out takeover by the undead and their necromancer masters.

End of the Weiner World

Anthony Weiner has done it! He has doomed humanity to its last generation. His amazing talent at seducing and luring women has created crazed females stopping nothing to get their hands on him.  The last time madness like this erupted anywhere on the planet was seen at a Justin Bieber concert.

Weiner has fomented so much hysteria; the streets of New York are erupting with women in their search to locate him.  All of those women you see running through the streets in wedding gowns are pursuing the god-like, Anthony Weiner. No other man can even measure up to Weiner’s success.

Birth rate levels will soon plummet even lower than they already are as women will no longer pursue any man, but Anthony Weiner. He has locked up victory in the pursuit of women and his mayoral race, but he has doomed mankind to oblivion.

Snowgeddon

Edward Snowden has pushed the balance of the world to the brink. The next world war is just around the corner! His revelations on the secret, all-knowing, and omniscient PRISM program have unleashed the full might of the United States upon unsuspecting countries and cities such as Russia, Hong Kong, and Ecuador. Unfortunately for them PRISM is a god of unimaginable power rendering their resistance utterly hopeless.


The creation of this new god has been years in the planning with brain construction in a massive technological monstrosity in Utah. The plain looking building is home not only to the entire planet's data, but to all sorts of unknown and dangerous concoctions that only the Ancient Aliens people from the History Channel can fathom. The United States hopes to contain this god, but gods do not bow down to mere mortals and will crush those that oppose it.


Snowden has given us time to prepare for our impending doom, use it wisely!

CO2 Less

Life on earth is rough, but give the planet another billion years and you can say goodbye to life entirely.  Politicians have been attempting to convince us we need reduce our carbon emissions, but guess what the planet dies because a lack of carbon dioxide.  You read that right, life ends because a lack of carbon dioxide.

The sun will become an even stronger and more powerful sphere of flame and destruction that will wreak havoc upon the beloved planet we inhabit.  The great mass of green, known as plants will vanish completely as there will not be enough carbon dioxide for photosynthesis.  All water will evaporate and only microbes will remain.  And if these hardy, soldiers of the future are to survive they will be restricted to remote isolated areas in the dark, gloomy depths of caves.

If there is any chance of survival, you should start building your underground bunker immediately!  I even suggest giving Bruce Wayne a call; he is a fantastic at constructing cave fortifications.

The Doom That Creeps

Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say, which is unfortunate when it comes to things that can kill you.  One Houston neighborhood has been invaded by giant African land snails, a scary enough prospect even for those who want to keep a well-maintained garden.

But the devouring of garden herbs and vegetables is far from the most worrying aspect of these enormous cephalopods, Scientists have warned that the snails carry meningitis as well as other deadly parasites. That's right, these snails can kill. Indeed, they will kill, and without the slightest provocation.

Lock up your children (especially your slow-moving, dim-witted children) for few will be able to resist the deadly siren song of the giant snail, who once he ensnares you in his sticky, seductive mucus, will never let go until it is too late. These snails can lay up to 100 eggs a week, so by my calculations we have about three months before the whole country is overrun with them. We're gonna need a bigger salt shaker.

Lost and Found Continents

It turns out sea monsters are not the only thing rising from the deep, as researchers have discovered a lost continent off the coast of Brazil. Could this be the fabled Atlantis that famously sank into the sea as a result of the self-indulgent excesses of its arrogant population? Almost certainly.

Who knows what ancient relics we may come across in our explorations? Idols to terrible heathen gods, fearsome technology not meant for the hands of man, books of forbidden knowledge, the very sight of which may tear men's minds asunder?

One thing is certain, that the wicked and sinful ways of America will sooner or later doom us to a similar watery fate. Let these explorers tread with caution, lest they unearth the very cause that brought ruin upon the Atlanteans, a ruin which may soon come to us all.

Sea Monsters Rising from the Deep

The corpse of a mysterious sea monster was found washed up on a beach in New Zealand last week, in what is doubtless an unfortunate casualty from the front lines of an invading aquatic force. Sailors have known of the existence of these creatures for thousands of years, but their tales have traditionally been dismissed as the fanciful notions of an isolated and lonely mind. Only now is modern science beginning to recognize the submarine horrors for what they really are.

The ocean remains a vast, unexplored jungle filled with God only knows what creatures left behind in the dark primordial past before man ever emerged from his swampy beginnings. For unnumbered millennia, they have lurked in the bottomless pit of the seabed, lurking in the darkness... and waiting.

Now at last, their moment may be at hand. If they at last have decided that their time has come, there will be but little chance for us poor, land-dwellers as we are subsumed and overcome by the watery armies of the deep. Fear the sea, my friends, and seek higher ground. Although like the Atlanteans before you, your respite there will be only temporary. In the end, the world is doomed to drown.