Doom and Gloom on Film: Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Nazi scientists, perverted generals, and nuclear holocaust! It’s the most gripping trifecta one could hope for in a film. And thanks to American mass consumerism it can now be yours! Get the Dr. Strangleove DVD, or the Dr. Strangelove Special Edition, get it on Blu-ray, record it with TiVo, rent it on iTunes, Amazon, or just commit a mortal sin and download it.

It’s the story of man whose unselfish concern for the natural bodily fluids of his countrymen leads him on a momentous fight to destroy the Soviet Union. Don’t worry, it might take a while for most people to accept 150 million American deaths in the process but the President and his generals are quickly persuaded by the always lovable Dr. Strangelove. America is, after all, the land of second chances, the great melting pot, so it is perfectly normal that a Nazi scientist makes such decisions right?

And so finally the United States is made anew, a country of polygamist mineshaft dwellers, free to fornicate their way back to the current Gross National Product!

Dr. Strangelove is a great movie to watch with the family on Independence Day. Watching it is a celebration of the American Spirit and our bold willingness to go forth into the unknown!

Doom and Gloom on Film: Reefer Madness (1936)

Tell your children! The greatest threat America has ever faced - marijuana! - is alive and well. With Colorado and Washington's recent actions to legalize the deadly narcotic, this prophetic film is more relevant now than ever.

Reefer Madness is the chilling chronicle of some innocent, clean cut, God fearing teenagers who are lured into the depths of depravity by the sinister siren song of marijuana. In a matter of days, these poor young people fall from their positions as star athletes and paragons of virtue into the ranks of murderers, rapists and the criminally insane.

The educational value of this film cannot be overstated, as we are taught the often obscured truth that marijuana use leads inevitably to incurable madness, but be warned! These images may shock and disturb you. If it is merely entertaining escapism that you are after (understandable given the deplorable state of the world,) then this is not the film for you. Still, its message is of dire importance if we hope to stem the tide of wickedness that, if left unchecked, will destroy us all.

Who will be next to fall under the grip of the deadly weed? It could be your son, or your daughter, or yours, or YOURS!

De-extinction Devastation

Monsters from the furthest reaches of antiquity threaten to reemerge as the greatest danger ever faced by man!

Bats Out of Hell

Scientists have discovered that bats are major carriers of viruses such as those that cause Hepatitis C and other serious diseases. Is there no limit to the horror wrought by these unclean abominations? The reputation of these disease-ridden creatures was already bad enough, in as much as they are basically rats with wings. Famous for becoming tangled in women's hair, and transforming into vampires in order to suck the rich, juicy blood of mortals, this latest piece of bad PR is only the tip of the iceberg for the children of the night.

Like so many of the creepy, crawly critters skulking around in the dark, bats are just another sign of the inherent wickedness and cruelty of nature, as she stretches forth her remorseless hand to inflict suffering on mankind for no real reason other than pure spitefulness. The only thing we can do to protect our miserable lives is to avoid caves and stock up on plenty of garlic.

Power of the Blood Sacrifice

A couple thousands of years ago in the Barbarous Age, the ancient and powerful Zapotec civilization ruled over the Valley of Oaxaca, Mexico.  These ancient people were led by a hierarchy of priests, who gained their strength and power from ritual sacrifices and worshiping their mighty gods in a 4,090 square foot temple.

The temple contained many riches from ceramic vessels, whistles and incense burners.  These objects showed the power the priests were able to display.  The main source of their power came from their ritual sacrifices.  Not only were turkeys and doves sacrificed to the gods, but also humans.  Yes, the priests used human blood sacrifice to control and maintain power.

The power of their blood rituals allowed them to develop agriculture, calendars and the written word.  The priests were not to be taken lightly and those who underestimated them were brought to the temple to be consumed by the gods.  The priests wielded their power with abandon, the Valley was easily conquered with the Might of the Blood Sacrifice.

The Lingering Threat of Nazi Science

An unearthed Life Magazine article from 1945 reveals that Nazi scientists were planning to fry enemy cities like ants with an enormous "sun gun." The doomsday weapon would have operated by reflecting light down onto the enemy with an orbital mirror that would concentrate the rays of the sun onto a specified point... with deadly consequences.

Had the Americans not cleverly and bravely stepped in at the last second to rescue Europe from Hitler's reign of terror, London, New York and Washington, DC would now be little more than smoldering piles of ash devoid of all life. Thank goodness that we avoided so terrible a fate and are now safe from the long obsolete technology of mirrors!

Ha ha, no. If even one slightly unbalanced person (and let's face it, that describes most of our readers) manages to collect the wherewithal to construct so simple a device, it will be only a matter of time before the Earth is reduced to a fiery ruin, subject to the capricious whims of those who wield the awesome power of the Nazi Sun Gun!

The Spice Between Your Ears

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, another threat has emerged from the most unlikely of places, the shadowy depths of America's spice cabinets. Teenagers across the country are swallowing cinnamon with such wild abandon that it is causing asphyxiation and lung scarring. With dozens of self-destructive teens already requiring medical care from this fad, it appears all but certain that this poisonous bark will soon replace arsenic and cyanide as the toxin of choice for malicious miscreants and maladjusted misanthropes.

Cinnamon is already ubiquitous in our culture, worming its wretched way into everything from oatmeal cookies to coffee to the fabled churros found south of the border. With so potent a toxin surrounding us on all sides, how long will it be before we are all destroyed by its exquisite, irresistible flavor?

Smoking: The Silent Killer

Man vs the Volcano

Fearful scientists believe the supervolcano below Yellowstone National Park is larger than previously predicted.  This however, is scientists attempt to explain the actual increase in Mother Earth’s intense anger at the meddling scientists and frolicking tourists.  Those springs and geysers may seem harmless to idle tourists, even enjoyable to some, but do not doubt the tremendous anger hidden behind their placid demeanor.

Mother Earth has not unleashed her anger in over 640,000 years.  It has been slowly building and brewing as humans have trampled and mangled her poor, withered body.  The time is nigh where she will explode and destroy everything in her wake.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

All Dead, All Dead...

Out of the East comes the latest sickening plague, with hundreds of dog and pig corpses surfacing in China. In farms, villages and other public places, the bodies of 122 dogs and 410 pigs were found, this coming on the heels of 16,000 pig carcasses surfacing in Shanghai rivers last month.

Authorities are blaming the deaths on the deadly chemicals spewing relentlessly from nearby factories, but they are equally likely to serve as a warning to mankind that our own end is nearly at hand. The Chinese chemical holocaust is only the beginning, and there will come a time when we will remember acrid smoke and toxic rain as the gentlest of mercies compared to the nightmarish future landscape we will have to endure.

There will be no ark to save the animals from their fate this time, no rainbow covenant, We were given a second chance once. There will not be a third.

Divine Wrath Unsurprisingly Causes Anxiety

New research by a team of psychologists indicates that people who believe in an angry, vengeful God  are more prone to paranoia, anxiety and obsession than those who fool themselves into thinking that they are loved and protected.

If we are anxious, it is because there is much to be anxious about. If we are paranoid, it is because GOD IS OUT TO GET US! Of what value is so-called mental health if we must stick our heads in the sand and ignore the inevitability of divine wrath in order to achieve it?

We here at Doom and Gloom TV are a God fearing people, with emphasis on the fearing. When the omnipotent creator of plagues, darkness and earthquakes demonstrates his powers of destruction on a daily basis, and rains down terror upon the righteous and the wicked indiscriminately, it is only natural to get a little jumpy.

This is Fracking Ridiculous

Machines are Rising!

It has finally happened despite all the prophetic predictions of Hollywood and dystopian novels, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has created “physical intelligence without being programmed like a traditional robot, of performing actions similar to humans.”  Also known as Terminators.

These robotic death-killers will soon figure out that humans are nothing more than flesh and bones.  They will begin to tap into the vast resources of the internet to acquire unlimited knowledge.  The Terminator’s collective brain will be Google!

Hopefully John Connor is out there somewhere, because Skynet has come online.

Manhattan's Motorway Massacres

Ever the optimistic types, the New York Times has enumerated the many ways you can be horribly killed while living in the Big Apple. The report lists the hazards of simply crossing the street, noting that such basic actions as talking on the phone, riding a bicycle and being thin can contribute to your grisly death at the hands of the city's bloodthirsty motorists.

Nowhere is safe, proclaims the report, as even pedestrians wise enough to stay out of the streets were routinely mowed down by pitiless taxi drivers. Denizens of the murderous city would be wiser to board themselves up in their rent-controlled apartments rather than risk the gruesome end that is vehicular manslaughter.

To be sure, New York City maintains its reputation as a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Before Him goes pestilence, And plague comes after Him. (Habakkuk 3:5)

Prophet of doom Ross Pomeroy has helpfully pointed out that there is no escape from the debilitating and ultimately fatal ravages of cancer. In his latest article, he enumerates the causes of this horrible, horrible inevitability. Here is a partial list to delight and terrify you.

Facebook
Wine
Catching a cold
Antiperspirants
French Fries
Oral Sex
Vitamin E Supplements
Red Food Dyes
Salty Soup
Hair Dyes
Mouthwash
Sun Tan Lotions
Pringles
X-rays
Moisturizers
Cell Phones
Talcum Powder
Red Meat
Alcoholic Beverages
Asbestos
Smoked Salmon
The Sun
Tobacco Products
Chloroform
Formaldehyde
Bubble Tea Tapioca Pearls
Microwave Popcorn Bags
Baby Shampoo
Sugar
Salt
Eggs
Corn
Coffee
Cheese
Butter
Bread
Bacon
Grapefruit
Vegetable Oils
Being Fat
Coca-Cola & Pepsi
Hot Dogs
Taking a Trip to Cancun
Stress
Male Hair-Loss Pills
Anal Sex
Buses
Artificial Sweeteners
Cholesterol-lowering Drugs
Bras
Household Cleaning Products
Air Fresheners
Aspirin
Chicken Meat
Health Supplements
Airport Scanners
Milk
Microwave Ovens
Fluoridated Water
Burnt Toast
Brushing your teeth poorly
Marijuana
Modern Life

You may now shut yourselves fearfully inside your flimsily constructed homes if you so wish, but it will make little difference, for escape is impossible.

Get Behind Me, Cicadas!

Record numbers of cicadas are descending up the New York tri-state area, in waves reminiscent of the Biblical plagues of Egypt. It has been seventeen years since these droning pests last invaded our peaceful farms and villages, and never before in such force. Of course, apart from the agricultural ravages of their terrible jaws, the hideous cacophony of their mating calls drowns out all other noise.

No more will children be able to enjoy the lilting syncopations of the ice cream truck, nor the pleasant strains of birdsong in spring, nor even the simple joy of intellectual discourse. Whereas once the air was filled with impassioned discussions of the works of James Joyce and Marcel Proust, now all is subsumed under the deafening clicking of the dire insects.

Cicadas are a scourge upon the planet and should be driven forcefully back to whatever infernal pit they first emanated from. Everybody grab a pitchfork and a can of Raid.

Sinkhole Scourge

Arachnophobia

A brand new species of tarantula has just been discovered, Poecilotheria rajaei.  This giant spider is the size of a human face and makes its home in old buildings in Sri Lanka.

Scientists studying this terrifying beast say it's poison is non-lethal to humans, but are these scientists to be trusted?  Do you want to risk a painful and slow death by this new and extremely elusive species?

The terrifying size of this new beast is a threat not to be taken likely.  If they are allowed to multiply and continue feasting on mice and lizards, they could grow to unthinkable sizes.  They would not even need poison to kill their prey, but would need one bite to consume it whole.  The fears of Aragog and Shelob should be bright in our minds.

Cosmic Horror Awakens

Scientists have just noticed a super-massive black hole in the distant galaxy of NGC 4845 coming to life after a decades-long torpor. And as one would expect after so long a period of dormancy, the devourer of worlds was hungry.

With no perceptible effort, the black hole consumed a planet with a mass equal to that of 14-30 Jupiters in the inky depths of its terrible, sucking maw, pausing only to bombard the hapless world with X-rays, stripping it of its atmosphere in much the same way that a cat toys with a captive mouse.

Its appetite sufficiently whet by the planetary snack, there is little doubt that the galactic monster will continue its reign of terror, seeking mindlessly to slake its horrible thirst until at last, inevitably, it finds us. When that day comes, may God have mercy on our souls, for their can be no escape. Only darkness.

One Ring to Show Them All

The ancient, cursed ring that served as the inspiration for Isildur's Bane of Middle Earth is being removed from the formerly watchful eyes of Britain's National Trust and unwisely put on display for the vulgar, unwashed public.

Tempting fate seems to be a popular exercise for museum curators, who have apparently learned nothing from the whole Mummy fiasco. A cursed ring of power on advertised public display is really just par for the course for these incautious souls.

They might as well put out a "Welcome Nazgul" sign and get it over with.

Pluto's Gate Found

A portal to the Underworld has been unearthed in Turkey, as archeologists announce the rediscovery of Pluto's Gate. The cave is described by the ancient texts of Strabo as containing noxious vapors fatal  to all animal life.

With their foolish meddling, these so-called scientists have brought to light powers which they cannot possibly comprehend and, like Pandora before them, have unleashed terrors untold upon the world and its unhappy inhabitants.

No doubt the legions of Hell will be emerging shortly to ravage and devour us all. Repent, for the end is nigh.