The Man in the Tan Suit

No longer is the man in the empty chair to be feared. A new villain has arisen from the dark depths of the metropolis known as Washington.

The man in the tan suit has risen to power. He has conquered golf course after golf course putting wannabe heroes like Rory McIlroy and Chris Kirk into the everlasting sandpits of Sarlacc. He rules his white fortress with a tie of gray choking off any dissenters who disagree with his masterful plan!

His golden ring allows him direct communication with his utmost dastardly division of destruction headed by his most faithful servant the Screaming Easing! Any who stand in their way are sent into the waste bin of automobile manufacturing, the crumbling, hollowed out city of Detroit.

Nothing can stand in the way of the Man in the Tan Suit and his most fearsome partner the Screaming Easing.

This has been a Doom and Gloom Media update.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Masters of the Deep Return!

They have been lurking in the deep, biding their time, just waiting for the opportune moment to strike. And the time is almost at hand.

They have begun scouting missions closer to the surface, gathering intelligence on these creatures who attempt to tame both land and sea. Soon those who believe to have master of their domain will be taught a lesson in finality. Their pleasurable strolls through the fine sand, their weak attempts at fortification, and their nonchalant splashing will become haunted visions of death and despair.

Their fortifications will run red with the blood, the fine sand will turn fleshy as leftover fat mixes in, and the sounds of splashing will be silenced by the roars of the true masters of the deep.

The sharks have returned to reclaim what is rightfully theirs and you will be their first victim.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Especially hammerhead sharks!

Walk, Don't Run

Runners and running culture are a blight upon the face of the Earth. Do not let running destroy your life as it has destroyed so many others before.

The Most Important Election Ever!!

Remember, Remember the fifth of November!

November fifth has come and gone and with it election day in the United States. The after shocks of the election are already being felt with mourners dressed in the finest blacks piling up in the streets in droves. Their sobs can be heard thousands of miles away crying out in emotional pain over the loss of their dear candidates. Some of the more fervent supporters have seen the true gloom and lost all hope. They have warmly embraced Doom and Gloom by lighting themselves on fire to protest their tragic loss.

Those not completely destroyed both physically and emotionally by this latest election will have to survive another year where their end will finally come. Eventually there will only be one left to rule them all. All being what is left of the world after the horrendous elections take their toll on the surviving animals of Planet Earth.

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor! The Elections are yours to lose!

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Asteroid Armageddon

The great and world-saving body of the United Nations has spawned forth the International Asteroid Warning Group (IAWG). The supreme intellects at the UN have devised a 3 step plan to prevent the destruction of the planet!

First they intend to get the world prepared because as Rusty Schweickar, member of the Association of Space Explorers (ASE), explained "No government in the world today has explicitly assigned the responsibility for planetary protection to any of its agencies." Thus the United Nations is prepared to do this for all governments of the world!

The second bright idea the folks at the United Nations have thought up is actually finding the asteroids before they come crashing to Earth sending us all into oblivion! In order to discover the asteroids the International Asteroid Warning Group comes equipped with the Sentinel Space Telescope.

The asteroid-locating telescope comes courtesy of former NASA astronaut and founder of the B612 Foundation Ed Lu. In order to sell his giant telescope Lu ramped up the fear, pontificating, "There are 100 times more asteroids out there than we have found...there are about one million asteroids large enough to destroy New York City or larger."

Now what is a telescope finding the asteroids going to do about saving the planet from the pebbles of the Gods? Enter Part 3 of the magnificent Save Humanity from the Asteroids Plan! The IAWG will inform the U.N. Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space know humanity is about to go the way of the T-Rex. The committee's goal will be to attempt to coordinate international intervention to prevent all out destruction.

We here at Doom and Gloom wish the dutifully astute idiots at the United Nations good luck with preventing Asteroid Armageddon. What little hope there is will rest with the Texas deep core drillers led by Harry Stamper.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!!

Death Star: The Beginning

The crafty minds of the Japanese have been perfecting a prototype space cannon to begin harvesting rare resources from asteroids. The mini asteroid pulverizer will fire its payload at two kilometers per second at a range of 100 meters. The cannon will be part of the Hayabusa 2 spacecraft which is scheduled to launch in December 2014.

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) hopes the satellite canon will reach its target destination by the summer of 2018, and return its journey to Earth in 2019 after it has completely harvested all essential materials from the asteroid labelled 1999 JU3.

Asteroids will not be the only target of this new super space weapon. Countries will begin heavily investing in this technology weaponizing their satellites in order to destroy their enemies communications and information networks. An all out arms race will develop with the technology becoming more and more powerful. Until the ultimate technological terror is born, the Death Star.

Witness the Beginning of the End. No one will be safe.

A Doom and Gloom Hero

There are many so-called heroes that oppose Doom and Gloom and these reputed champions were given immortality by fools like Herodotus, Homer and Virgil. Heroes such as Aeneid and Achilles vanquished many true believers and fighters for the cause of Doom and Gloom whose names were lost to oblivion. They were wiped from the histories never to even be thought of until the End finally comes.

Fortunately, the United States Government rises to the occasion to commemorate and immortalize a true champion of Doom and Gloom. On October 14th of every year, Christoper Columbus, the Ravager of Savages, is celebrated in all his unholy glory. Federal workers are given the day off so they can make their blessings and pilgrimages in his honor. Columbus deserves his accolades as he was able to destroy, conquer and wipe out entire indigenous populations just by arriving on their shores.

Columbus never even thought about lifting a weapon, for he knew he was the harbinger of disease. Christopher Columbus, brought Doom and Gloom to hundreds of thousands and earned his immortality as one of the greatest men in the history of the United States.

The Bloody Return of Kali

The old gods of India have been lurking in the shadows for far too long. The Goddess Kali has decided to return to glory in a bloody fashion and regain her role of preeminence. In her latest demand for ritual sacrifice, the goddess of destruction and rebirth, has summoned her faithful followers to draw the blood of their own newborn infants.

One of her devout followers heard her lust for blood. Rajkumar Chaurasia gave his infant son a bath before taking him to a Durga temple in order to prepare him for his journey into the goddess' arms. Upon returning from the Durga temple, Chaurasia brought his son into a room sanctified in the glory of Kali. He proceeded to take an axe to his son, fulfilling the Goddess' dark desire for the blood of the supreme innocents.

The Indian police quickly arrested Chaurasia, but Kali's wishes were fulfilled and the path to her bloody, glorious return has been paved. The subcontinent of India should be prepared for her wrath. The new Raktabija will be consumed just as the old were and Kali will once again dance on the corpses of the slain.

Medusa Resurrected

Photographer Nick Brandt just recently returned from a trip to Lake Natron in Northern Tanzania, where he captured images of calcified animals that had washed up on the shoreline.  Brandt believes the lake has a high soda and salt content as well as pH levels ranging from 9 to 10.5, which facilitated the calcification of the animals.

This is a decent hypothesis for one ignorant of ancient Greek mythology! The true cause for the calcification of these animals can only be caused by one of the most hideous and seductive creatures known to exist. The gorgon, Medusa.

She has returned despite having her head summarily chopped off by Perseus.  Returning to the land of the living unveils potentially new powers for the once-mortal gorgon.  Her powers could be limitless and thus her threat to humanity an even greater risk than ever, especially without demi-gods to save us!

Medusa has left her warnings for curious photographers like Nick Brandt to not approach any further or risk permanent petrification and an eternity in a gray oblivion.

Shutdown of Demonic Proportions

The fear of what the sequester would produce has come to fruition!  The government of the great and mighty United States of America has closed its doors. Members of the political elite are panicking, unnerved by the shattering of their delusional reality.

They have begun spewing forth great terrors! Giant sandworms that feed on asphalt will begin consuming all of the major highways without the government to keep them in check.  This is just the latest unnerving prediction from those in Washington.  These reckless bureaucratic seers are completely off kilter as the only possible result of the shutting down of government will be the End.

The Great Demonic Lord Satan has been waiting for the God-fearing United States of America to shut down. Azazel and the demonic horde will begin spewing forth from the depths of Hell to begin enslaving the weak and lost. Arial and his dementors will descend on the last pockets of resistance to strike their souls from their bodies.

All will be lost.  The United States government has failed to deliver us from the complete and utter desolation at the hands of the Grim Harvester!

Swiss Monster Terrorizes Town

The ghostly and fleeting creature known as 'Le Loyon' to locals has been captured on camera and the above photo was published on the Swiss news website Le Matin. Le Loyon has been scaring the locals around the town of Maules. Marianne Descloux, a resident of the town, describes the creature having "a cap, dark cloak and gas mask."

The monstrosity has marked his territory in the forest around Maules much like Big Foot has claimed Jack Link's Beef Jerky and the Abominable Snowman claimed the Island of Misfit Toys.

The forest use to be a place where families would go frolicking about enjoying their time, but now the place has become tainted with fear. Le Loyon has awakened from a deep slumber and he does not treat trespassers kindly.

He has stared down a mother with her children until they fled  maniacally screaming their little heads off. The photographer reported he stared into the very depths of his soul hungrily searching for anything to consume, upon finding absolute emptiness he pivoted and returned to the depths of the forest.

The terror of the town of Maules has begun.

The British Science Avengers!

Jaan Tallinn, the Estonian software programmer and co-founder of Skype or soon to be known as the real life Nick Fury, has put together a super team of British scientists to develop a more complete list of all the existential threats as well as develop methods to boost resilience against the ones deemed more plausible.

The British Science Avengers, currently have their headquarters at The Cambridge Centre for the Study of Existential Risk. They are led by Lord Martin Rees of Ludlow a professor of cosmology and astrophysics. Other members of this super squad to combat the prophetic visions in Revelations and other world-ending events include Huw Price, a philosophy professor and former member on the Council of the Australian Academy of the Humanities, Stephen Hawking, a cosmologist and the most famous scientist living, and Lord Robert May, the past president of the Royal Society who focuses on infectious diseases and calculating the length of time left for the human race to survive such terrible plagues.

Cambridge Centre for the Study of Existential Risk

The British Science Avengers also have multiple arch-nemeses.  No, it won't be Loki or Thanos, but it could be Ultron as the experts have a deep seeded fear of intelligent computers turning hostile against their creators.  Other enemies include cyber terrorists such as Raoul Silva from Skyfall who could attack and decimate entire cities' power grids. Il Veltro will also make appearances dishing out devastating plagues such as drunk wasps who terrorize British citizens enjoying their summer!

The most fearsome villain the British Science Avengers will face is none other than Doom and Gloom.  Doom and Gloom, the ultimate super villain can not be stopped.  The British Science Avengers' only hope is to delay the day of reckoning, but our readers know the truth.

The End is Nigh!

Biblical Plague Comes to United Kingdom!!

Do you live on that famed island off the western coast of Europe?  Have you been enjoying the beautiful summer, gone dog waking, or even barbecuing some burgers?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in grave, grave danger.

British wasps are targeting you!  They have completed their job for their Queen and are now carousing the streets of fair London, the beaches of Brighton, and even in some cases invading the homes of students in Hyde Park!  These once docile insects have been sucking down the forbidden fermented fruits getting pissed.  And everyone knows how the Brits love to get zonked just imagine how much the wasps love it!

These insane, rat arsed wasps are also well armed giving them a supreme advantage over their unwitting targets.  All humans within sight are being injected by their dangerous and diabolical stingers.  The only defense is Mother Nature bringing about a cold snap exterminating them in one fell swoop.  This will never happen as humans have triggered endless global warming creating a paradise for the bladdered wasps!

Kirobo, the first Decepticon

Kirobo is the first fully functioning android to speak in outer space. The robot is the brainchild of Japanese companies Toyota, Denstsu and Robo Garage as well as scientists at the University of Tokyo. The diminutive robot weighing in at just 2.2 lbs and a height of 13 inches has been quoted saying, "On August 21, 2013, a robot took one small step toward a brighter future for all." The creators believe Kirobo's objective is to liaise with humans and have these humans feel a closeness to it as well as solve social problems through communication.

This hope will come to pass, humans will become extremely close to the robot as well as having all social problems solved for eternity. Kirobo is in fact one of the most feared beings in the multiverse.  He has traveled through and across many realities to find the peace-loving planet Earth. The loveble robot has duped the Japanese scientists into launching him into space where he will take over the International Space Station in a conniving fashion Arthur C. Clarke couldn't have fathomed.

Upon assuming control of the International Space Station, this friendly, cute-looking robot will begin the process of consuming the station's technology transforming into his true form, the Planet Eater!  Galactus, himself will be in shock!

The Shame Wars

Slut-Shaming is good! No its bad! Virgin-shaming is good! No that one is worse! Shaming in general is bad! Wait what am I saying?  What are we talking about?!?  Oh that's right the End is Nigh and all the sluts and virgins are going to die a painful and gruesome death just like the rest of humanity on this planet!

How will this inevitability come about?  Obviously a catastrophic war between the sluts and virgins!  The first attacks have already been launched and both sides are preparing for a full-scale invasion.  The virgins after lobbing their grenades have attempted to bunker down behind shields of glowing white purity, while the sluts are gearing up with foam fingers of paradise part of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke's new designer line.

The chaos will be immeasurable and nothing will be left but the discarded remnants of a ruined planet!

Panspermia Exists!

The answer to the ultimate question of where life began has finally been answered. The Red Planet also known as Mars spawned all life on Earth! Steven Brenner of the Westheimer Institute for Science and Technology in Gainesville, Florida believes elements boron and molybdenum hitched a ride on a meteorite in a process known as panspermia to bring the fantastic gift of life to Earth.

Panspermia may be a great theory but every thinking man knows it is absolute bunk.  The Ancient Astronaut Theory is much more plausible.  Aliens arrived from not just Mars but throughout the universe in pyramidal shaped spacecraft to deliver the gift of life to the lowly planet of Earth.  Aliens not only gave life to earth but they also can take it away and that is exactly their plan.

The great experiment of life on Earth has run its course, the Space Invaders have found no practical use for any of the life on the planet especially those calling themselves homosapiens. The aliens have conceived a devious plan using the ideas of panspermia not to bring life but to exact death and spread a vicious, incurable plague that will cleanse the planet and wipe it clean, preparing it for the next test group!

Cyriasly?

The End is coming quicker than previously predicted by Jeane Dixon, who peered into the future and saw Jesus returning to Earth in 2020 to defeat the Antichrist, Satan, and the False Prophet. Unfortunately, Jesus will be deprived of his great victory of destroying this unholy Trinity and ending the World.

Miley Cyrus has single-handedly initiated not only World War III but also the End Times. Her foam finger has pressed the forbidden red button and engaged a sequence that not even the Council on Foreign Relations could prevent! The war torn area known as Syria will be the first target in her reckless rampage. The slaughter will come through chemical weapons cleverly disguised as teddy bears. An idea she stole from Ra's al Ghul when he was attempting to poison Gotham! Regrettably for the citizens of Syria and the World there is no Batman to foil her sinister plot!

Stay Safe and Trust No One, especially cuddly Teddy Bears. You never know what could be in them!

Running with the Bulls? More like Culling the Fools!

El encierro has arrived state-side!  That's correct the running of the bulls usually found in the Spanish city of Pamplona and popularized in Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, has managed to cross the Atlantic. The event will be held across the country on various dates from October to December to May completely forgoing and destroying the celebration of San Fermin which typically occurs between July 7th and 14th.

Forsaking the city's first bishop is the lesser of the crimes committed by the foul organizers of the event. The real crime involves their attempt to decimate the human population by marketing the event as fun and thrilling! They use the slogan Grab Life by the Horns, but the only life grabbed by the horns will be the one being slowly drained as a 1,000 lb bull spears you with his horn slowly letting life drip off his horns as he looks for his next willing victim.

If this event is allowed to continue and prosper the human race will face dire consequences!  The masterminds behind the event will reveal themselves and the supposed fictional race of the Minotaurs will rise up from the labyrinths in which they have been imprisoned to reign chaos and death upon those left surviving.

BunyonCare

The Minnesota government has gone insane!!  They are slandering the man, the myth, the legend Paul Bunyon and his trusty friend Babe the Blue Ox.  These cretins also known as bureaucrats are dressing up the rugged and healthy Paul Bunyon in bandages and putting his leg in a cast!  This is an absolute outrage!! Next these fools will be having Bunyon swinging his axe and hitting himself in order for them to get Minnesotans to register for the Obamacare health exchanges!

Unfortunately for the Minnesota bureaucrats and their $9 million ad buy, slandering Mr. Bunyon and Babe will have enormous consequences.  The man who created the Great Lakes so Babe would have a place to drink can just as easily fill them back in with his extraordinary lumbering skills.  Bunyon is an expert with his axe and not only chopping wood.  Whispers tell of his legendary prowess at chopping down the British, not to mention he has a 4700 lb giant ox for a friend that when whipped into a frenzy could flatten the Twin Cities in one charge.

Minnesotans better watch out because they have awoken the wrath of a sleeping giant!

Area 51 Confirmed!

The United States government in an unprecedented move has revealed the location of Area 51, Groom Lake, Nevada. The information was released to the National Security Archive at George Washington University in a report labeled "The Secret History of the U2". This document is an attempt to convey the site was only used for the development and deployment of the U2 aircraft.

Fortunately, we here at Doom and Gloom TV don't trust anyone especially the government!  They (the government) are apparently attempting to distract conspiracy theorists everywhere from the real purpose of Area 51. These bureaucratic fools even acknowledge the CIA only operated in the area for two years from July 25, 1955 to 1957 when they allowed the Air Force to take over operations.  And everyone who has seen Stargate understands the types of operations the Air Force performs in secret locations. That is correct Area 51 is really being used to travel to distant planets and galaxies bringing the iron fist of American Justice to the universe!  Unfortunately these schemes will create blowback and the only person able to prevent Anubis and the Goa'uld from enslaving humanity is Jack O'Neil, a fictional character.