Walk, Don't Run

Runners and running culture are a blight upon the face of the Earth. Do not let running destroy your life as it has destroyed so many others before.

The Most Important Election Ever!!

Remember, Remember the fifth of November!

November fifth has come and gone and with it election day in the United States. The after shocks of the election are already being felt with mourners dressed in the finest blacks piling up in the streets in droves. Their sobs can be heard thousands of miles away crying out in emotional pain over the loss of their dear candidates. Some of the more fervent supporters have seen the true gloom and lost all hope. They have warmly embraced Doom and Gloom by lighting themselves on fire to protest their tragic loss.

Those not completely destroyed both physically and emotionally by this latest election will have to survive another year where their end will finally come. Eventually there will only be one left to rule them all. All being what is left of the world after the horrendous elections take their toll on the surviving animals of Planet Earth.

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor! The Elections are yours to lose!

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Asteroid Armageddon

The great and world-saving body of the United Nations has spawned forth the International Asteroid Warning Group (IAWG). The supreme intellects at the UN have devised a 3 step plan to prevent the destruction of the planet!

First they intend to get the world prepared because as Rusty Schweickar, member of the Association of Space Explorers (ASE), explained "No government in the world today has explicitly assigned the responsibility for planetary protection to any of its agencies." Thus the United Nations is prepared to do this for all governments of the world!

The second bright idea the folks at the United Nations have thought up is actually finding the asteroids before they come crashing to Earth sending us all into oblivion! In order to discover the asteroids the International Asteroid Warning Group comes equipped with the Sentinel Space Telescope.

The asteroid-locating telescope comes courtesy of former NASA astronaut and founder of the B612 Foundation Ed Lu. In order to sell his giant telescope Lu ramped up the fear, pontificating, "There are 100 times more asteroids out there than we have found...there are about one million asteroids large enough to destroy New York City or larger."

Now what is a telescope finding the asteroids going to do about saving the planet from the pebbles of the Gods? Enter Part 3 of the magnificent Save Humanity from the Asteroids Plan! The IAWG will inform the U.N. Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space know humanity is about to go the way of the T-Rex. The committee's goal will be to attempt to coordinate international intervention to prevent all out destruction.

We here at Doom and Gloom wish the dutifully astute idiots at the United Nations good luck with preventing Asteroid Armageddon. What little hope there is will rest with the Texas deep core drillers led by Harry Stamper.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!!

Death Star: The Beginning

The crafty minds of the Japanese have been perfecting a prototype space cannon to begin harvesting rare resources from asteroids. The mini asteroid pulverizer will fire its payload at two kilometers per second at a range of 100 meters. The cannon will be part of the Hayabusa 2 spacecraft which is scheduled to launch in December 2014.

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) hopes the satellite canon will reach its target destination by the summer of 2018, and return its journey to Earth in 2019 after it has completely harvested all essential materials from the asteroid labelled 1999 JU3.

Asteroids will not be the only target of this new super space weapon. Countries will begin heavily investing in this technology weaponizing their satellites in order to destroy their enemies communications and information networks. An all out arms race will develop with the technology becoming more and more powerful. Until the ultimate technological terror is born, the Death Star.

Witness the Beginning of the End. No one will be safe.

A Doom and Gloom Hero

There are many so-called heroes that oppose Doom and Gloom and these reputed champions were given immortality by fools like Herodotus, Homer and Virgil. Heroes such as Aeneid and Achilles vanquished many true believers and fighters for the cause of Doom and Gloom whose names were lost to oblivion. They were wiped from the histories never to even be thought of until the End finally comes.

Fortunately, the United States Government rises to the occasion to commemorate and immortalize a true champion of Doom and Gloom. On October 14th of every year, Christoper Columbus, the Ravager of Savages, is celebrated in all his unholy glory. Federal workers are given the day off so they can make their blessings and pilgrimages in his honor. Columbus deserves his accolades as he was able to destroy, conquer and wipe out entire indigenous populations just by arriving on their shores.

Columbus never even thought about lifting a weapon, for he knew he was the harbinger of disease. Christopher Columbus, brought Doom and Gloom to hundreds of thousands and earned his immortality as one of the greatest men in the history of the United States.

The Bloody Return of Kali

The old gods of India have been lurking in the shadows for far too long. The Goddess Kali has decided to return to glory in a bloody fashion and regain her role of preeminence. In her latest demand for ritual sacrifice, the goddess of destruction and rebirth, has summoned her faithful followers to draw the blood of their own newborn infants.

One of her devout followers heard her lust for blood. Rajkumar Chaurasia gave his infant son a bath before taking him to a Durga temple in order to prepare him for his journey into the goddess' arms. Upon returning from the Durga temple, Chaurasia brought his son into a room sanctified in the glory of Kali. He proceeded to take an axe to his son, fulfilling the Goddess' dark desire for the blood of the supreme innocents.

The Indian police quickly arrested Chaurasia, but Kali's wishes were fulfilled and the path to her bloody, glorious return has been paved. The subcontinent of India should be prepared for her wrath. The new Raktabija will be consumed just as the old were and Kali will once again dance on the corpses of the slain.

Medusa Resurrected

Photographer Nick Brandt just recently returned from a trip to Lake Natron in Northern Tanzania, where he captured images of calcified animals that had washed up on the shoreline.  Brandt believes the lake has a high soda and salt content as well as pH levels ranging from 9 to 10.5, which facilitated the calcification of the animals.

This is a decent hypothesis for one ignorant of ancient Greek mythology! The true cause for the calcification of these animals can only be caused by one of the most hideous and seductive creatures known to exist. The gorgon, Medusa.

She has returned despite having her head summarily chopped off by Perseus.  Returning to the land of the living unveils potentially new powers for the once-mortal gorgon.  Her powers could be limitless and thus her threat to humanity an even greater risk than ever, especially without demi-gods to save us!

Medusa has left her warnings for curious photographers like Nick Brandt to not approach any further or risk permanent petrification and an eternity in a gray oblivion.

Shutdown of Demonic Proportions

The fear of what the sequester would produce has come to fruition!  The government of the great and mighty United States of America has closed its doors. Members of the political elite are panicking, unnerved by the shattering of their delusional reality.

They have begun spewing forth great terrors! Giant sandworms that feed on asphalt will begin consuming all of the major highways without the government to keep them in check.  This is just the latest unnerving prediction from those in Washington.  These reckless bureaucratic seers are completely off kilter as the only possible result of the shutting down of government will be the End.

The Great Demonic Lord Satan has been waiting for the God-fearing United States of America to shut down. Azazel and the demonic horde will begin spewing forth from the depths of Hell to begin enslaving the weak and lost. Arial and his dementors will descend on the last pockets of resistance to strike their souls from their bodies.

All will be lost.  The United States government has failed to deliver us from the complete and utter desolation at the hands of the Grim Harvester!

Swiss Monster Terrorizes Town

The ghostly and fleeting creature known as 'Le Loyon' to locals has been captured on camera and the above photo was published on the Swiss news website Le Matin. Le Loyon has been scaring the locals around the town of Maules. Marianne Descloux, a resident of the town, describes the creature having "a cap, dark cloak and gas mask."

The monstrosity has marked his territory in the forest around Maules much like Big Foot has claimed Jack Link's Beef Jerky and the Abominable Snowman claimed the Island of Misfit Toys.

The forest use to be a place where families would go frolicking about enjoying their time, but now the place has become tainted with fear. Le Loyon has awakened from a deep slumber and he does not treat trespassers kindly.

He has stared down a mother with her children until they fled  maniacally screaming their little heads off. The photographer reported he stared into the very depths of his soul hungrily searching for anything to consume, upon finding absolute emptiness he pivoted and returned to the depths of the forest.

The terror of the town of Maules has begun.

The British Science Avengers!

Jaan Tallinn, the Estonian software programmer and co-founder of Skype or soon to be known as the real life Nick Fury, has put together a super team of British scientists to develop a more complete list of all the existential threats as well as develop methods to boost resilience against the ones deemed more plausible.

The British Science Avengers, currently have their headquarters at The Cambridge Centre for the Study of Existential Risk. They are led by Lord Martin Rees of Ludlow a professor of cosmology and astrophysics. Other members of this super squad to combat the prophetic visions in Revelations and other world-ending events include Huw Price, a philosophy professor and former member on the Council of the Australian Academy of the Humanities, Stephen Hawking, a cosmologist and the most famous scientist living, and Lord Robert May, the past president of the Royal Society who focuses on infectious diseases and calculating the length of time left for the human race to survive such terrible plagues.

Cambridge Centre for the Study of Existential Risk

The British Science Avengers also have multiple arch-nemeses.  No, it won't be Loki or Thanos, but it could be Ultron as the experts have a deep seeded fear of intelligent computers turning hostile against their creators.  Other enemies include cyber terrorists such as Raoul Silva from Skyfall who could attack and decimate entire cities' power grids. Il Veltro will also make appearances dishing out devastating plagues such as drunk wasps who terrorize British citizens enjoying their summer!

The most fearsome villain the British Science Avengers will face is none other than Doom and Gloom.  Doom and Gloom, the ultimate super villain can not be stopped.  The British Science Avengers' only hope is to delay the day of reckoning, but our readers know the truth.

The End is Nigh!

Biblical Plague Comes to United Kingdom!!

Do you live on that famed island off the western coast of Europe?  Have you been enjoying the beautiful summer, gone dog waking, or even barbecuing some burgers?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in grave, grave danger.

British wasps are targeting you!  They have completed their job for their Queen and are now carousing the streets of fair London, the beaches of Brighton, and even in some cases invading the homes of students in Hyde Park!  These once docile insects have been sucking down the forbidden fermented fruits getting pissed.  And everyone knows how the Brits love to get zonked just imagine how much the wasps love it!

These insane, rat arsed wasps are also well armed giving them a supreme advantage over their unwitting targets.  All humans within sight are being injected by their dangerous and diabolical stingers.  The only defense is Mother Nature bringing about a cold snap exterminating them in one fell swoop.  This will never happen as humans have triggered endless global warming creating a paradise for the bladdered wasps!

Kirobo, the first Decepticon

Kirobo is the first fully functioning android to speak in outer space. The robot is the brainchild of Japanese companies Toyota, Denstsu and Robo Garage as well as scientists at the University of Tokyo. The diminutive robot weighing in at just 2.2 lbs and a height of 13 inches has been quoted saying, "On August 21, 2013, a robot took one small step toward a brighter future for all." The creators believe Kirobo's objective is to liaise with humans and have these humans feel a closeness to it as well as solve social problems through communication.

This hope will come to pass, humans will become extremely close to the robot as well as having all social problems solved for eternity. Kirobo is in fact one of the most feared beings in the multiverse.  He has traveled through and across many realities to find the peace-loving planet Earth. The loveble robot has duped the Japanese scientists into launching him into space where he will take over the International Space Station in a conniving fashion Arthur C. Clarke couldn't have fathomed.

Upon assuming control of the International Space Station, this friendly, cute-looking robot will begin the process of consuming the station's technology transforming into his true form, the Planet Eater!  Galactus, himself will be in shock!

The Shame Wars

Slut-Shaming is good! No its bad! Virgin-shaming is good! No that one is worse! Shaming in general is bad! Wait what am I saying?  What are we talking about?!?  Oh that's right the End is Nigh and all the sluts and virgins are going to die a painful and gruesome death just like the rest of humanity on this planet!

How will this inevitability come about?  Obviously a catastrophic war between the sluts and virgins!  The first attacks have already been launched and both sides are preparing for a full-scale invasion.  The virgins after lobbing their grenades have attempted to bunker down behind shields of glowing white purity, while the sluts are gearing up with foam fingers of paradise part of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke's new designer line.

The chaos will be immeasurable and nothing will be left but the discarded remnants of a ruined planet!

Panspermia Exists!

The answer to the ultimate question of where life began has finally been answered. The Red Planet also known as Mars spawned all life on Earth! Steven Brenner of the Westheimer Institute for Science and Technology in Gainesville, Florida believes elements boron and molybdenum hitched a ride on a meteorite in a process known as panspermia to bring the fantastic gift of life to Earth.

Panspermia may be a great theory but every thinking man knows it is absolute bunk.  The Ancient Astronaut Theory is much more plausible.  Aliens arrived from not just Mars but throughout the universe in pyramidal shaped spacecraft to deliver the gift of life to the lowly planet of Earth.  Aliens not only gave life to earth but they also can take it away and that is exactly their plan.

The great experiment of life on Earth has run its course, the Space Invaders have found no practical use for any of the life on the planet especially those calling themselves homosapiens. The aliens have conceived a devious plan using the ideas of panspermia not to bring life but to exact death and spread a vicious, incurable plague that will cleanse the planet and wipe it clean, preparing it for the next test group!

Cyriasly?

The End is coming quicker than previously predicted by Jeane Dixon, who peered into the future and saw Jesus returning to Earth in 2020 to defeat the Antichrist, Satan, and the False Prophet. Unfortunately, Jesus will be deprived of his great victory of destroying this unholy Trinity and ending the World.

Miley Cyrus has single-handedly initiated not only World War III but also the End Times. Her foam finger has pressed the forbidden red button and engaged a sequence that not even the Council on Foreign Relations could prevent! The war torn area known as Syria will be the first target in her reckless rampage. The slaughter will come through chemical weapons cleverly disguised as teddy bears. An idea she stole from Ra's al Ghul when he was attempting to poison Gotham! Regrettably for the citizens of Syria and the World there is no Batman to foil her sinister plot!

Stay Safe and Trust No One, especially cuddly Teddy Bears. You never know what could be in them!

Running with the Bulls? More like Culling the Fools!

El encierro has arrived state-side!  That's correct the running of the bulls usually found in the Spanish city of Pamplona and popularized in Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, has managed to cross the Atlantic. The event will be held across the country on various dates from October to December to May completely forgoing and destroying the celebration of San Fermin which typically occurs between July 7th and 14th.

Forsaking the city's first bishop is the lesser of the crimes committed by the foul organizers of the event. The real crime involves their attempt to decimate the human population by marketing the event as fun and thrilling! They use the slogan Grab Life by the Horns, but the only life grabbed by the horns will be the one being slowly drained as a 1,000 lb bull spears you with his horn slowly letting life drip off his horns as he looks for his next willing victim.

If this event is allowed to continue and prosper the human race will face dire consequences!  The masterminds behind the event will reveal themselves and the supposed fictional race of the Minotaurs will rise up from the labyrinths in which they have been imprisoned to reign chaos and death upon those left surviving.

BunyonCare

The Minnesota government has gone insane!!  They are slandering the man, the myth, the legend Paul Bunyon and his trusty friend Babe the Blue Ox.  These cretins also known as bureaucrats are dressing up the rugged and healthy Paul Bunyon in bandages and putting his leg in a cast!  This is an absolute outrage!! Next these fools will be having Bunyon swinging his axe and hitting himself in order for them to get Minnesotans to register for the Obamacare health exchanges!

Unfortunately for the Minnesota bureaucrats and their $9 million ad buy, slandering Mr. Bunyon and Babe will have enormous consequences.  The man who created the Great Lakes so Babe would have a place to drink can just as easily fill them back in with his extraordinary lumbering skills.  Bunyon is an expert with his axe and not only chopping wood.  Whispers tell of his legendary prowess at chopping down the British, not to mention he has a 4700 lb giant ox for a friend that when whipped into a frenzy could flatten the Twin Cities in one charge.

Minnesotans better watch out because they have awoken the wrath of a sleeping giant!

Area 51 Confirmed!

The United States government in an unprecedented move has revealed the location of Area 51, Groom Lake, Nevada. The information was released to the National Security Archive at George Washington University in a report labeled "The Secret History of the U2". This document is an attempt to convey the site was only used for the development and deployment of the U2 aircraft.

Fortunately, we here at Doom and Gloom TV don't trust anyone especially the government!  They (the government) are apparently attempting to distract conspiracy theorists everywhere from the real purpose of Area 51. These bureaucratic fools even acknowledge the CIA only operated in the area for two years from July 25, 1955 to 1957 when they allowed the Air Force to take over operations.  And everyone who has seen Stargate understands the types of operations the Air Force performs in secret locations. That is correct Area 51 is really being used to travel to distant planets and galaxies bringing the iron fist of American Justice to the universe!  Unfortunately these schemes will create blowback and the only person able to prevent Anubis and the Goa'uld from enslaving humanity is Jack O'Neil, a fictional character.

Beings Among Us

There have been many rumors of aliens among us and a ton of footage of their vehicles in the sky, also known as U.F.O.s. We have been told lies that these are weather balloons or military training aircraft performing top secret exercises.  How absurd, the thousands of sightings and evidence prove otherwise. This latest sighting captured by Mario Vallejo in San Antonio is just one more piece to the already clear puzzle, that we are NOT alone on this planet!

The extraterrestrials have long infiltrated our planet.  They have been planning and plotting, bringing more of their kind to our world in small increments over the centuries.  They have penetrated our culture and government structures.  They tease us with movies about their existence and how they live among us from Close Encounters of the Third Kind to Men in Black.  These are attempts to placate us humans so we will be unsuspecting when their mother ship arrives to blow humanity to kingdom come much like in Independence Day.  There is no hope.  The aliens will claim Earth for their own and wipe the remnants of humanity into oblivion.

Stay Safe and Trust No One!

Kaiju Invasion

Archaeologists are at it again, but this time they are conducting research in the depths of the Gulf of Mexico. Researchers from Texas State University in San Marcos and Texas A&M Galveston have stumbled upon three shipwrecks dating from the early 19th century.  These so-called scientists believe the wrecks were caused by a giant storm.  This is an unlikely story as everyone knows global warming was not occurring then and thus there were no massive storms able to destroy these hardy ships.  One measuring 84 feet long and 26 feet wide.

A more likely explanation of these devastating attacks is from the Kaiju, creatures which share a dimensional portal with our world.  These massive reptilian creatures would have crushed the ships with one punch of their gargantuan hands or a deadly swipe with their lethal tails.  Fortunately, these were probably the only victims of the Kaiju attack at the time since our world was not yet ready for the taking.  Given recent calculations we will soon be inundated by these creatures, if only industrialization had not taken place we could have prevented this invasion of our beloved world and our untimely demise. Supposing we had giant robots to defeat these abominable creatures we could be saved!

Necromancers in England! Oh My!

Archaeologists are not necromancers, but the university educated team from Leicester is crossing the line in the sand.  They have broken into the hallowed grounds of the Grey Friars monastery in search of King Richard III of England.  They have not found the king, but instead have stumbled onto a tomb no one, but God was supposed to find.  Not only have they found a tomb purportedly a hundred years older than Richard III, but this tomb contains a coffin with another coffin within it. Both coffins are lined with lead.  Do these fools not see this body was sealed within a second layer to keep meddlers, thieves, and especially necromancers out!

Baltus Hafez has found new followers and recreated his cult of Imhotep at Leicester.   It is too late to put a stop to the dark necromantic ritual on the foul and despicable creature that was locked away.  Our only hope lies with Rick O’Connell and Ardeth Bay.  Otherwise this could just be the beginning of all out takeover by the undead and their necromancer masters.

End of the Weiner World

Anthony Weiner has done it! He has doomed humanity to its last generation. His amazing talent at seducing and luring women has created crazed females stopping nothing to get their hands on him.  The last time madness like this erupted anywhere on the planet was seen at a Justin Bieber concert.

Weiner has fomented so much hysteria; the streets of New York are erupting with women in their search to locate him.  All of those women you see running through the streets in wedding gowns are pursuing the god-like, Anthony Weiner. No other man can even measure up to Weiner’s success.

Birth rate levels will soon plummet even lower than they already are as women will no longer pursue any man, but Anthony Weiner. He has locked up victory in the pursuit of women and his mayoral race, but he has doomed mankind to oblivion.

Snowgeddon

Edward Snowden has pushed the balance of the world to the brink. The next world war is just around the corner! His revelations on the secret, all-knowing, and omniscient PRISM program have unleashed the full might of the United States upon unsuspecting countries and cities such as Russia, Hong Kong, and Ecuador. Unfortunately for them PRISM is a god of unimaginable power rendering their resistance utterly hopeless.


The creation of this new god has been years in the planning with brain construction in a massive technological monstrosity in Utah. The plain looking building is home not only to the entire planet's data, but to all sorts of unknown and dangerous concoctions that only the Ancient Aliens people from the History Channel can fathom. The United States hopes to contain this god, but gods do not bow down to mere mortals and will crush those that oppose it.


Snowden has given us time to prepare for our impending doom, use it wisely!

CO2 Less

Life on earth is rough, but give the planet another billion years and you can say goodbye to life entirely.  Politicians have been attempting to convince us we need reduce our carbon emissions, but guess what the planet dies because a lack of carbon dioxide.  You read that right, life ends because a lack of carbon dioxide.

The sun will become an even stronger and more powerful sphere of flame and destruction that will wreak havoc upon the beloved planet we inhabit.  The great mass of green, known as plants will vanish completely as there will not be enough carbon dioxide for photosynthesis.  All water will evaporate and only microbes will remain.  And if these hardy, soldiers of the future are to survive they will be restricted to remote isolated areas in the dark, gloomy depths of caves.

If there is any chance of survival, you should start building your underground bunker immediately!  I even suggest giving Bruce Wayne a call; he is a fantastic at constructing cave fortifications.

The Doom That Creeps

Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say, which is unfortunate when it comes to things that can kill you.  One Houston neighborhood has been invaded by giant African land snails, a scary enough prospect even for those who want to keep a well-maintained garden.

But the devouring of garden herbs and vegetables is far from the most worrying aspect of these enormous cephalopods, Scientists have warned that the snails carry meningitis as well as other deadly parasites. That's right, these snails can kill. Indeed, they will kill, and without the slightest provocation.

Lock up your children (especially your slow-moving, dim-witted children) for few will be able to resist the deadly siren song of the giant snail, who once he ensnares you in his sticky, seductive mucus, will never let go until it is too late. These snails can lay up to 100 eggs a week, so by my calculations we have about three months before the whole country is overrun with them. We're gonna need a bigger salt shaker.

Lost and Found Continents

It turns out sea monsters are not the only thing rising from the deep, as researchers have discovered a lost continent off the coast of Brazil. Could this be the fabled Atlantis that famously sank into the sea as a result of the self-indulgent excesses of its arrogant population? Almost certainly.

Who knows what ancient relics we may come across in our explorations? Idols to terrible heathen gods, fearsome technology not meant for the hands of man, books of forbidden knowledge, the very sight of which may tear men's minds asunder?

One thing is certain, that the wicked and sinful ways of America will sooner or later doom us to a similar watery fate. Let these explorers tread with caution, lest they unearth the very cause that brought ruin upon the Atlanteans, a ruin which may soon come to us all.

Sea Monsters Rising from the Deep

The corpse of a mysterious sea monster was found washed up on a beach in New Zealand last week, in what is doubtless an unfortunate casualty from the front lines of an invading aquatic force. Sailors have known of the existence of these creatures for thousands of years, but their tales have traditionally been dismissed as the fanciful notions of an isolated and lonely mind. Only now is modern science beginning to recognize the submarine horrors for what they really are.

The ocean remains a vast, unexplored jungle filled with God only knows what creatures left behind in the dark primordial past before man ever emerged from his swampy beginnings. For unnumbered millennia, they have lurked in the bottomless pit of the seabed, lurking in the darkness... and waiting.

Now at last, their moment may be at hand. If they at last have decided that their time has come, there will be but little chance for us poor, land-dwellers as we are subsumed and overcome by the watery armies of the deep. Fear the sea, my friends, and seek higher ground. Although like the Atlanteans before you, your respite there will be only temporary. In the end, the world is doomed to drown.

GMOs? Oh no!

Food is bad. Don't eat food.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Doom!

Deep beneath the Earth's crust lurk many wonders from the ancient world, some great, some terrible, some utterly inscrutable. Archaeology's latest find combines all three in a ruined temple from the ancient Mexican city of Teotihuaca, whose floor was discovered littered with mysterious, gold-colored orbs.

The original purpose of these spherical enigmas is not known, but the tunnels leading out of the temple had been carefully packed with rubble and debris, as though the residents wanted to keep them hidden forever. The ancient Teotihuacans are known to have practiced ritual human sacrifice, so it seems likely that they managed to awaken something dark and terrible, an antediluvian horror that man was never meant to see.

Hollywood has taught us time and again that no good can come from disturbing the relics of the past, especially those that were intentionally hidden from us. Just as the Curse of the Mummy's Tomb claimed so many lives back in the 1930s, so will these orbs doubtless bring furious retribution down upon our meddling heads.

Doom and Gloom on Film: Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Nazi scientists, perverted generals, and nuclear holocaust! It’s the most gripping trifecta one could hope for in a film. And thanks to American mass consumerism it can now be yours! Get the Dr. Strangleove DVD, or the Dr. Strangelove Special Edition, get it on Blu-ray, record it with TiVo, rent it on iTunes, Amazon, or just commit a mortal sin and download it.

It’s the story of man whose unselfish concern for the natural bodily fluids of his countrymen leads him on a momentous fight to destroy the Soviet Union. Don’t worry, it might take a while for most people to accept 150 million American deaths in the process but the President and his generals are quickly persuaded by the always lovable Dr. Strangelove. America is, after all, the land of second chances, the great melting pot, so it is perfectly normal that a Nazi scientist makes such decisions right?

And so finally the United States is made anew, a country of polygamist mineshaft dwellers, free to fornicate their way back to the current Gross National Product!

Dr. Strangelove is a great movie to watch with the family on Independence Day. Watching it is a celebration of the American Spirit and our bold willingness to go forth into the unknown!

Doom and Gloom on Film: Reefer Madness (1936)

Tell your children! The greatest threat America has ever faced - marijuana! - is alive and well. With Colorado and Washington's recent actions to legalize the deadly narcotic, this prophetic film is more relevant now than ever.

Reefer Madness is the chilling chronicle of some innocent, clean cut, God fearing teenagers who are lured into the depths of depravity by the sinister siren song of marijuana. In a matter of days, these poor young people fall from their positions as star athletes and paragons of virtue into the ranks of murderers, rapists and the criminally insane.

The educational value of this film cannot be overstated, as we are taught the often obscured truth that marijuana use leads inevitably to incurable madness, but be warned! These images may shock and disturb you. If it is merely entertaining escapism that you are after (understandable given the deplorable state of the world,) then this is not the film for you. Still, its message is of dire importance if we hope to stem the tide of wickedness that, if left unchecked, will destroy us all.

Who will be next to fall under the grip of the deadly weed? It could be your son, or your daughter, or yours, or YOURS!

De-extinction Devastation

Monsters from the furthest reaches of antiquity threaten to reemerge as the greatest danger ever faced by man!

Bats Out of Hell

Scientists have discovered that bats are major carriers of viruses such as those that cause Hepatitis C and other serious diseases. Is there no limit to the horror wrought by these unclean abominations? The reputation of these disease-ridden creatures was already bad enough, in as much as they are basically rats with wings. Famous for becoming tangled in women's hair, and transforming into vampires in order to suck the rich, juicy blood of mortals, this latest piece of bad PR is only the tip of the iceberg for the children of the night.

Like so many of the creepy, crawly critters skulking around in the dark, bats are just another sign of the inherent wickedness and cruelty of nature, as she stretches forth her remorseless hand to inflict suffering on mankind for no real reason other than pure spitefulness. The only thing we can do to protect our miserable lives is to avoid caves and stock up on plenty of garlic.

Power of the Blood Sacrifice

A couple thousands of years ago in the Barbarous Age, the ancient and powerful Zapotec civilization ruled over the Valley of Oaxaca, Mexico.  These ancient people were led by a hierarchy of priests, who gained their strength and power from ritual sacrifices and worshiping their mighty gods in a 4,090 square foot temple.

The temple contained many riches from ceramic vessels, whistles and incense burners.  These objects showed the power the priests were able to display.  The main source of their power came from their ritual sacrifices.  Not only were turkeys and doves sacrificed to the gods, but also humans.  Yes, the priests used human blood sacrifice to control and maintain power.

The power of their blood rituals allowed them to develop agriculture, calendars and the written word.  The priests were not to be taken lightly and those who underestimated them were brought to the temple to be consumed by the gods.  The priests wielded their power with abandon, the Valley was easily conquered with the Might of the Blood Sacrifice.

The Lingering Threat of Nazi Science

An unearthed Life Magazine article from 1945 reveals that Nazi scientists were planning to fry enemy cities like ants with an enormous "sun gun." The doomsday weapon would have operated by reflecting light down onto the enemy with an orbital mirror that would concentrate the rays of the sun onto a specified point... with deadly consequences.

Had the Americans not cleverly and bravely stepped in at the last second to rescue Europe from Hitler's reign of terror, London, New York and Washington, DC would now be little more than smoldering piles of ash devoid of all life. Thank goodness that we avoided so terrible a fate and are now safe from the long obsolete technology of mirrors!

Ha ha, no. If even one slightly unbalanced person (and let's face it, that describes most of our readers) manages to collect the wherewithal to construct so simple a device, it will be only a matter of time before the Earth is reduced to a fiery ruin, subject to the capricious whims of those who wield the awesome power of the Nazi Sun Gun!

The Spice Between Your Ears

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, another threat has emerged from the most unlikely of places, the shadowy depths of America's spice cabinets. Teenagers across the country are swallowing cinnamon with such wild abandon that it is causing asphyxiation and lung scarring. With dozens of self-destructive teens already requiring medical care from this fad, it appears all but certain that this poisonous bark will soon replace arsenic and cyanide as the toxin of choice for malicious miscreants and maladjusted misanthropes.

Cinnamon is already ubiquitous in our culture, worming its wretched way into everything from oatmeal cookies to coffee to the fabled churros found south of the border. With so potent a toxin surrounding us on all sides, how long will it be before we are all destroyed by its exquisite, irresistible flavor?

Smoking: The Silent Killer

Man vs the Volcano

Fearful scientists believe the supervolcano below Yellowstone National Park is larger than previously predicted.  This however, is scientists attempt to explain the actual increase in Mother Earth’s intense anger at the meddling scientists and frolicking tourists.  Those springs and geysers may seem harmless to idle tourists, even enjoyable to some, but do not doubt the tremendous anger hidden behind their placid demeanor.

Mother Earth has not unleashed her anger in over 640,000 years.  It has been slowly building and brewing as humans have trampled and mangled her poor, withered body.  The time is nigh where she will explode and destroy everything in her wake.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

All Dead, All Dead...

Out of the East comes the latest sickening plague, with hundreds of dog and pig corpses surfacing in China. In farms, villages and other public places, the bodies of 122 dogs and 410 pigs were found, this coming on the heels of 16,000 pig carcasses surfacing in Shanghai rivers last month.

Authorities are blaming the deaths on the deadly chemicals spewing relentlessly from nearby factories, but they are equally likely to serve as a warning to mankind that our own end is nearly at hand. The Chinese chemical holocaust is only the beginning, and there will come a time when we will remember acrid smoke and toxic rain as the gentlest of mercies compared to the nightmarish future landscape we will have to endure.

There will be no ark to save the animals from their fate this time, no rainbow covenant, We were given a second chance once. There will not be a third.

Divine Wrath Unsurprisingly Causes Anxiety

New research by a team of psychologists indicates that people who believe in an angry, vengeful God  are more prone to paranoia, anxiety and obsession than those who fool themselves into thinking that they are loved and protected.

If we are anxious, it is because there is much to be anxious about. If we are paranoid, it is because GOD IS OUT TO GET US! Of what value is so-called mental health if we must stick our heads in the sand and ignore the inevitability of divine wrath in order to achieve it?

We here at Doom and Gloom TV are a God fearing people, with emphasis on the fearing. When the omnipotent creator of plagues, darkness and earthquakes demonstrates his powers of destruction on a daily basis, and rains down terror upon the righteous and the wicked indiscriminately, it is only natural to get a little jumpy.

This is Fracking Ridiculous

Machines are Rising!

It has finally happened despite all the prophetic predictions of Hollywood and dystopian novels, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has created “physical intelligence without being programmed like a traditional robot, of performing actions similar to humans.”  Also known as Terminators.

These robotic death-killers will soon figure out that humans are nothing more than flesh and bones.  They will begin to tap into the vast resources of the internet to acquire unlimited knowledge.  The Terminator’s collective brain will be Google!

Hopefully John Connor is out there somewhere, because Skynet has come online.

Manhattan's Motorway Massacres

Ever the optimistic types, the New York Times has enumerated the many ways you can be horribly killed while living in the Big Apple. The report lists the hazards of simply crossing the street, noting that such basic actions as talking on the phone, riding a bicycle and being thin can contribute to your grisly death at the hands of the city's bloodthirsty motorists.

Nowhere is safe, proclaims the report, as even pedestrians wise enough to stay out of the streets were routinely mowed down by pitiless taxi drivers. Denizens of the murderous city would be wiser to board themselves up in their rent-controlled apartments rather than risk the gruesome end that is vehicular manslaughter.

To be sure, New York City maintains its reputation as a wretched hive of scum and villainy.